Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 24

Abe: "Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the Lord has done for you?"

Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged with bitterness: "It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."

RELIABILITY.

The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fis.h.i.+ng tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a washerwoman.

"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your wife hard at work over the washtub while you pa.s.s your time fis.h.i.+ng?"

"Ya.s.sum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah wife don' need any watchin'.

She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."

REPENTANCE.

"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he."

REPEt.i.tION.

The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short s.p.a.ce of time, she offered the following, and was duly excused: "I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

RESIGNATION.

The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery."

This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what violence was permitted by a very scanty breath: "Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"

The wife interposed in a soothing voice: "You leave it to the doctor, dearie-he knows best."

REVOLUTION.

At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own country.

REWARD OF MERIT.

A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.

"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."

REWARD OF VIRTUE.

The little boy put a serious question to his mother: "Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will G.o.d give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"

The teacher directed the cla.s.s to compose fiction narrative. The most interesting story submitted ran as follows: "A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.

"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he would become a drunkard.

The young man wanted the money very much, so he could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'

"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has its own reward."

RULING Pa.s.sION.

Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him-which is, of course, untrue-ill.u.s.trates the point.

Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.

"Why, Noah," she exclaimed, "I am surprised!"

The lexicographer regarded his wife disapprovingly, and rebuked her: "You are astonished-I am surprised."

SAFETY FIRST.

"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw across the street.

The man addressed blinked and shook his head.

"Come over there?" he called back. "Why, it's all I can do to stay where I am."

Amos Perkins was hired in the spring to shoot muskrats, which were overrunning the mill dam. An acquaintance paused to chat one day with Amos, who was sitting at ease on the bank of the stream, his gun safely out of reach.

"I hear the muskrats are undermining the dam," the acquaintance said.

"So they be, so they be!" Amos agreed.

"Hi! there goes one!" cried the visitor, pointing. "Shoot! Why don't you shoot, man?"

Amos spat tobacco juice emphatically, and answered: "Huh! think I want to lose my job?"

The disgruntled fisherman at the club lifted his voice and complained loudly. He protested against the base trickery of his two companions on the trip.

"It was agreed," he explained, "before we started, that the one who caught the first fish must stand treat to a supper. Now, you'd hardly believe it, but it's a fact that when we got to fis.h.i.+ng, both those fellows deliberately refused to pull in their lines when they had bites, just so I'd be stuck."

"That was a mean trick," one of the auditors a.s.serted sympathetically. "How much did the supper cost you?"

The grouchy fisherman relaxed slightly.

"Oh," he explained, "it wasn't as bad as that. You see, I didn't have any bait on my hook."

A G. A. R. veteran told to some members of the American Legion the story of a private in the Civil War, who during the first battle of Bull Run found a post hole into which he lowered himself, so that only his eyes were above the level of the ground. An officer, noting this display of cowardice, darted to the spot, and with a threatening gesture of his sword, shouted fiercely, "get out of that hole!"

But the skulker did not come out. On the contrary, he put his thumb to his nose and waggled his fingers insultingly.

"Not on your life," he retorted. "Hunt a hole for yourself. This belongs to me."

The woman hesitated over buying the silver service.

"Of course," she said, "I take your word for it that it's solid silver, but somehow it doesn't look it."

"A great advantage, ma'am," the shopkeeper declared suavely. "That service can be left right out in plain sight, and no burglar will look at it twice."

SANITY.

It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with.

In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complaint against her husband that he had no faults. It was probably a subtle subconscious realization of the unpleasantness, even the unendurableness, of perfection in the domestic companions.h.i.+p that caused the obvious misprint in the following extract from a Scotch editorial concerning the new divorce legislation: "But the Bill creates new grounds for the dissolution of the marriage bond, which are unknown to the law of Scotland. Cruelty, incurable sanity, or habitual drunkenness are proposed as separate grounds of divorce."

SARCASM.

The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among the guests, and later a little suspicious, as her mirth continued. As he stared at her, puzzled, she spoke in explanation: "Oh, that story is such a favorite of mine: the first time I heard it I laughed so hard that I kicked the foot-board off my crib."

The ponderous judge interrupted the eloquent lawyer harshly: "All you say goes in at one ear and out at the other."

"What is to prevent it?" was the retort.

SAVING.

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.

"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it rained yesterday, and it all went."

SCHEDULE.

Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter: "Is this Rome, ma?"

"What day of the week is it, Matilda?"

"Tuesday. What of it?"

"If it's Tuesday, it must be Rome."