Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 27

"Self-starter?"

"You bet!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL.

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair.

"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly: "But won't you please send them when you do have them?"

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new cla.s.s.

"Who made the world?" he demanded. n.o.body seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity: "Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation: "Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

SUPERMAN.

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say: "Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."

Mrs. Gladstone beamed.

"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us all about it."

SUPERSt.i.tION.

The superst.i.tious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.

"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight."

SUSPENSE.

The pa.s.sionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows: "Adored of my soul:-If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose."

She wore a yellow rose.

SUSPICION.

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.

"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy."

"That is so," the other a.s.sented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."

SYMPATHY.

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the gra.s.s of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained: "Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' gra.s.s."

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard-the gra.s.s there is longer."

TACT.

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Was.h.i.+ngton, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely: "We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

TALKING MACHINE.

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-las.h.i.+ngs at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper: "Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."

TAR AND FEATHERS.

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."

TASTE.

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was: "Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice-once when it went down, and once when it came up."

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

TEARS.

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument: "You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked: "You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

TENDER MEMORIES.

"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where s.h.i.+ngles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarra.s.sment, "but I'd rather not."

TERMINOLOGY.

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.

"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced: "It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to a.s.sist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and faltered: "My G.o.d, will you have some cheese?"

The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook: "Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"

"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash."

TESTIMONY.

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.

"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.

"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'

"'They are,' I replied.

"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine: "Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. G.o.d bless you!"

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.