Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 30

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said: "Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered: "For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's"

famous contributor + A. C.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.

Oldest Inhabitant: "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't both afford to dress like that."

Father: "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

Hopeful: "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

Betty (after flash of lightning): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

Employer: "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

Boy: "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

Mistress: "Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"

Maid: "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

Little Girl (in foreground): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding."

Mistress: "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

Officer: "Well, what is it?"

R. H.: "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What-do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

Master: "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say 'pneumonia'?"

Man: "Well, Sir, I 'ave; but I didn't like to correct you."

Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

Mother: "Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

Mary: "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

Mother (to child who has been naughty): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

Child: "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

A CONSOLING THOUGHT.

Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES.

Mother: "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

Small daughter (tearfully): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

Mother: "Then why don't you?"

Small daughter (with renewed wails): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

"Does G.o.d make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear."

"But isn't he frightened to?"

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."

The Woman: "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."

The Man: "What appalling rot! Er-after you with the paper."

Small Invalid (to visitor): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time-measles-whooping-cough- influenza-tonsilitis-but (modestly) I haven't had dropsy yet."

THE SERVANT PROBLEM.

Lady: "And why did your last mistress--"

Applicant (loftily): "Excuse me, Madam!"

Lady: "Well-er-your last employer--"

Applicant: "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

Lady: "Well, then, your last-er-pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"

Applicant: "Clients, Madam."

Small Girl: "I wonder how old Joan is?"

Small Boy: "I bet she won't see four again."

Mother: "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

Mary (demurely): "Yes, Mummy."

Mother: "And did you enjoy it?"

Mary: "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (very demurely) I struggled."

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."