Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 32

Small Girl: "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago."

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand--"

Employer: "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

Office Boy: "Yes, Sir; but-my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

Minister's Wife: "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

Latest Inhabitant: "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

"Two mistakes here, waiter-one in your favor, one in mine."

"In your favor, Sir? Where?"

Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

Cook: "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

Gus.h.i.+ng Lady: "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

Cynic: "Bigamist!"

Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

Augustus: "Thank you-I'm only dying."

New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?"

New Butler: "At different times, Sir."

Profiteer: "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

Fond Mamma: "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

Young Hopeful; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

Playful Hostess: "Couldn't you manage one more eclair?"

Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I've no more room."

Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): "No, fanks, that would make the s.p.a.ce at the wrong end."

Vicar's Wife: "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

Ethel: "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

Vicar's Wife: "Oh-and what are you writing in it?"

Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

THE OBSTACLE.

George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

Fred: "What did she say?"

George: "No!"

CHANGING THE SUBJECT.

She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

He: "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

A CHANCE LOST.

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."

He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehea.r.s.es him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

DURING THE QUARREL.

He: "But if you will allow me to--"

She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

CONDITIONAL.

Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling-so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."

JUST IGNORANCE.

He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"

ALL IN ONE BREATH.

Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER.

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."