Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 43

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it-such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

PERFECT AGREEMENT.

Mother: "Hus.h.!.+ You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"

Georgia: "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."

She: Jack is in love with you.

Her: Nonsense!

She: That's what I said when I heard it.

Her: How dared you!

Professor (endeavoring to impress on cla.s.s the definition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

Senior: A professor!

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk: "What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question: "Can you recommend the Belva?"

"What this country needs is more production."

"What this country needs," replied Farmer Cornta.s.sel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."

BOTTLED COURAGE.

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

IT WORKED.

A tramp entered a baker's, s.h.i.+vering piteously.

"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice: "Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed.

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."

He turned to obey.

"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly: "You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop."

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.

"Well, Bill?" he said.

"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."

FILM FEVER.

Nurse: "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

Guy: "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."

THE DRUGGIST'S TURN.

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what-"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."

WRONG BROTHER.

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other: "Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Was.h.i.+ngton. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting.

"I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse-in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

Doctor: "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business-what, you haven't taken any of it?"

Patient: "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."

"All right."

5"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it-you will get $500."

Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?

Applicant for Post: Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road.

Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

Mr. Graham: "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"

Miss F.: "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"

Mr. Graham: "Stag-nation, of course!"

GUILTY.