Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 14

Slippery Doork.n.o.b.

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, she answered, "Yes, we use it when we have s.e.xual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for s.e.xual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doork.n.o.b to keep the kids out."

Santa Singh.

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh , his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.

When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed .

When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's berth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help.

TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English .

Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving berth to my child."

Monkey Shuttle.

NASA decided to send a shuttle into s.p.a.ce with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into s.p.a.ce. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

Biker Bar.

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad a.s.s, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "d.a.m.n it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

Three Couples.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from s.e.x for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!"

So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from s.e.x for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, l.u.s.t and pa.s.sion overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "we were banned from Safeway, too."

Fire Men.

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"

The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, "Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes. "Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed. "Bell #3!"..... They began pa.s.sionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!"..... The husband asked "What the h.e.l.l is this Bell #4?" "MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

Only In The UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the young lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertis.e.m.e.nt which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertis.e.m.e.nt which read "William Stick Did the Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertis.e.m.e.nt which read "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident"."

He won the case.

Don't Need One Of Those.

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the little girl next door came up and asked if she could play, too. He said, "okay."

Shortly he began bragging, "I have a big fire engine."

The girl responded, "So, I have a fire engine too. See!"

Only slightly put off he expressed, "I have a toy tank!"

She looked at it and quietly reached behind the sand box and pulled out a toy M1 Tank and said, "I have one, too."

The young boy almost in tears dropped his pants and says, "I have an organ!"

The little girl looked down her pants and burst into tears and ran home crying all the way.

The next day the lad is playing in his sand box when the little girl approaches. He says, "are you back for more? I told you I have an organ and you don't!"

"Well," said the little girl, "my mom told me not to worry about it. She said I have one of these... and as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

Deputy Dim.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Different Types of Women.

HARD-DISK Woman : She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman : She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman : Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman : They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman : She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!