Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 15

INTERNET Woman : Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman : Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman : She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman : She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman : Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman : Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...

Golden Anniversary.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once." "We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once."

Confusing Language - English.

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Don't infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? HUMAN???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

The Boat.

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.

Bond, James Bond.

Here check out the " James Bond Style " . My telegu comrades to remain unruffled . As Charlie Chaplin says " In the end its all a gag "

The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself .

First he says Bond, then smiles and says James Bond.

Needless to say the style is charming and delectable however he doesn't quite augur the consequences when he meets our great south indian guy.

When Bond meets a hyderabadi spy the following could be envisaged : James Bond : " The name's Bond... James Bond." . And you are ?

Telugu Guy :"I am Sai...

Venkata Sai...

Siva Venkata Sai...

Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....

Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....

Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva VenkataSai....

Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana SivaVenkata Sai....

Black t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Embarra.s.sed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was pa.s.sing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his p.e.n.i.s out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

Rabbi Turns A Priest.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I Committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $ 5."

Golfing Injury.

A couple of women were playing golf one sat.u.r.day afternoon. the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole!!!!

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the gound and proceeded to roll around in the event of agony. The women rushed down immedietly to the man and begain to apologise. She said "please allow me to help, im a physical therepist and i know how to relieve your pain if you allow me!!!"

"uump nooo , ill be alright, just give me a few minutes" he replied breathlesslyas he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently laid his hands to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands on his p.e.n.i.s and started to ma.s.sage him. She then asked him " how does that feel" He replied " that feels great, but my thumb still hurts like h.e.l.l"!!

3 Sacks.

Three women escape from prison....one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest.

When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tell his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow." So the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.

Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said "Potatoes."