Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 21

Every weekend, her husband would be out playing football with his local team and while he was away, Gloria would entertain her lover. However, disaster struck one afternoon when the pitch was so waterlogged that the husband came back early.

"Quick," whispered the wife, "crouch down behind the sofa, it's too late to get away."

Unfortunately, the husband settled himself down and didn't look as if he was going to move.

"b.u.g.g.e.r this," muttered the lover to himself, and he stood up wearing only jockey shorts and a vest saying, as he walked out of the door, "b.l.o.o.d.y weather, can't see a thing, you didn't see which way the cross country runners went?"

Visiting a strange town for the night, Roger decided to go and see their local football team who were playing in a cup match. As he arrived, he saw the team posing on the pitch and one man holding the ball on his shoulder.

"What's going on?" he asked the man next to him.

"It won't be long, they're just posing for this week's 'Spot the Ball' compet.i.tion," he replied.

The manager was talking to his new mid-field player.

"We've got a much more important match on Sat.u.r.day so tonight you'll just play the first half and I'll pull you off at half time."

"Gee Boss, thanks. At half time at my old club, all we got was a slice of orange."

The manager came into the dressing room as the team were changing for the match.

"Where's Bob?" he demanded.

"He sends his apologies, Boss, but he's getting married at 2.45."

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, that means he won't be here to play until the second half."

Three aged football fanatics visit a spiritualist to find out what the future has in store for their teams. When G.o.d has been contacted, the first one asks, "When will Manchester United win the European Cup?"

"Within the next ten years," replies G.o.d.

"Oh b.u.g.g.e.r, I'll probably be dead by then."

So the second old man asks G.o.d, "When will Torquay United win promotion to the Premier Division?"

"In the next fifty years," comes the reply.

"h.e.l.l fire, I'll definitely be dead by then."

Finally, the third man asks, "When will England win the World Cup?"

"You must be joking," says G.o.d. "I'll be dead by then."

GOLF.

"Darling," said his wife, "if I died before you, do you think you would get married again?"

"Maybe," he replied.

"And would you do all the little things we did together."

"Maybe."

"Would you give her my special golf clubs?"

"Oh no, she's right handed."

And what about the world's worst golfer?

He stood on a rake and bellowed "That's the best two b.a.l.l.s I've hit today."

It was love at first sight. After knowing each other for less than a month, they decide to get married.

"I think I ought to tell you," said the man, "that I'm absolutely golf mad and I like to spend all weekend on the greens."

"Okay" she replied "but there's something I ought to tell you. I'm a hooker."

"Not to worry. We'll soon put that right, it's probably the way you hold the club," he said.

Another couple had a whirlwind romance and were married less than six months after they met. On their honeymoon night, she confessed to him that one of her previous lovers had been his old golfing partner.

"Let's not bring up the past," he said, "all that matters now is that we're together."

For the next hour, they made mad pa.s.sionate love and when they finally finished he picked up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"All that exercise, has made me hungry" he replied. "I'm going to order some steaks and a bottle of bubbly - it is our wedding night after all."

"Oh, but your ex golfing partner would have made love to me again."

Not to be thought second best, the new husband began again and gave it all his worth for the next 45 minutes, after which he laid back on the bed totally exhausted. Again, he tried to ring room service but again she asked for more. At the end of another 30 minutes, he picked up the phone before his wife could speak, saying dejectedly. "Don't worry, it's not room service, I'm just ringing my ex golfing partner to find out what the par for the hole is."

"What's up Bill? You look miserable."

"The doctor's told me I should give up golf."

"Mmm, he's seen you play too, has he?"

Three blokes met up to play golf on Sunday morning and compared notes on how they managed to get their wives to let them go. The first said he'd brought his wife breakfast in bed, taken the dog for an early morning walk and washed the car. "She was so pleased, she was delighted to let me go," he said. The second man recounted how he'd prepared everything for Sunday lunch and cleared up the kitchen from a dinner party the night before.

"She reckoned I'd earned a round of golf," he said.

The third man looked at his mates and said "I woke up, belched twice, scratched my b.a.l.l.s and let rip with a real stinker. Then I said to her, "Come on then, intercourse or golf course? She couldn't wait to see me go."

Jack and his wife were playing a round of golf but on the seventh tee, Jack's ball landed behind the maintenance shed.

"Don't worry," said his wife, "there's no need to take a penalty shot, if we open both doors and take out the mowers you can drive straight through."

They did as she suggested and he gave the ball a mighty hit.

Unfortunately he missed the far opening and the ball ricocheted back and hit his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A couple of days later he was playing a round of golf with his friend and to his astonishment, ended up in a similar position.

"No need to take a penalty shot" said his friend, "Just open the doors at either end of the shed and hit the ball through."

"Not b.l.o.o.d.y likely," replied the man. "I tried that a couple of days ago and ended up with a double bogey."

An irritable old man was taking a short cut across the golf course when he got struck by a golf ball.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the player, running up to him.

"That's not good enough. I've got a weak heart, anything could have happened. I demand 500 in compensation."

"But I said fore," exclaimed the player.

"OK, done," replied the man.

"I really want to give this my best shot" said Jack to his mate.

"My mother-in-law is watching from the clubhouse balcony."

"Oh get away!" replied his friend. "It's too far away, you couldn't possibly hit her from here."

A man drives his Rolls Royce into the golf club car park and as he's getting his clubs out of the boot a fellow member comes up to him.

"That really is a beautiful car" he says. "May I ask how much it cost you?"

"Oh about 250,000," replies the man, looking pleased.

"And how long have you had it?" he continues.

"About 4 years, I work for Cunard you know."

"So what!" retorted the man "I work f.u.c.kin' hard too, but I still couldn't afford a Rolls Royce."

The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of 100.

The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, "but," said his partner, "as long as you agree that I can have two 'geronimos'." Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees. At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over 100.

"We can't believe it" they said. "What happened?"

"Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the b.o.l.l.o.c.ks and shouts 'geronimo'." Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one."

Dee had been moaning at Pete for ages because he wouldn't teach her golf. Eventually it got him down so much he gave in and took her out one Monday afternoon. After spending some time explaining the finer points of the game they stepped up to the 1st tee and Dee hit a mighty drive which landed straight onto the green and disappeared into the hole. "OK," said Pete, "I'll take a practice shot now, and then we'll begin."

A man has been stranded on a desert island for eight years and then one day he sees a beautiful girl sail ash.o.r.e in a small boat. She comes over to him and is amazed to learn how long he has been forced to live alone.

"Would you like a drink?" she asks.

"Oh yes please."

And she gets a crate of whisky from the boat.

"Do you smoke?"

"I do."