Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 22

And she hands him a packet of cigarettes.

After a few minutes she looks at him closely and says, "Now, would you like to play around?"

"Oh my goodness," he gasps, absolutely amazed. "I can't believe you have a set of golf clubs on board as well."

The men were talking in the clubhouse bar after spending a day on the greens. Each was recounting their golfing experiences.

One said, "If I'm going round on my own, the dog comes to keep me company and if I go one over par on a hole he somersaults backwards.

"That's incredible!" responded the others.

Warming to the subject, the man continued.

"Yes, and if I go 2 over par at a hole, he does a double somersault backwards."

"Amazing," came the response, "that's quite a feat, how does he do it."

"Oh I kick him twice."

Two lady golfers were teeing off on the 7th hole when the second player's shot went so wide it hit a man on the 8th tee.

He clasped his hands to his crotch in agony as he fell to the ground.

"Oh I'm so very sorry," said the woman as she ran over to help him. "Is there anything I can do? I'm a ma.s.seuse so I might be able to ease the pain."

With that, she ordered the man to lay out on the ground, put his hands by his side, undid his trousers and started to ma.s.sage his manhood. "There, is that helping?" she asked looking very concerned.

"That's great," he replied, "but my finger is still throbbing."

"What's wrong, Fiona?" asked Samantha, seeing her friend in floods of tears.

"It's Dan, he's left me."

"Oh get away, he's always walking out on you."

"No, no, you don't understand. This time it's for good, he's taken his golf clubs."

A golfer teed off on the 10th hole but the ball disappeared over some trees and was never to be seen again. Some time later, he saw a policeman coming towards him on the 12th hole.

"When you were on the 10th, did your ball disappear over that clump of trees?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, it did. Why?" said the puzzled golfer.

"Oh the other side of those trees is a road. The ball bounced in front of a car causing it to swerve and run over a cat. It then smashed through a window of the house opposite, shocking a man into a fatal heart attack and frightening his wife into dropping her tea and badly burning her leg."

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," said the golfer, who had deathly pale.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I think so," replied the policeman. "In future, before you tee off, stand with your legs a little further apart and keep your head still when you swing the club."

PARTY ANIMAL.

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly.

"Oh b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, what a party last night, I can't remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?"

"You sure did," replied his wife. "You put your hand up the skirt of your boss's wife and told your boss to p.i.s.s off."

"s.h.i.+t! What happened?"

"He sacked you."

"Well, f.u.c.k him, the b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

"I did," replied the wife, "and you've got your job back."

A man arrived at a party half-way through the evening to find most of the guests in the middle of a frenzied party game.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"Oh come and join in," he was urged. "It's a great game. All the girls are blindfolded and they have to go round guessing who the men are by feeling their private bits."

The man hesitated.

"Oh I'm not sure about that," he said.

"Don't be daft," came the reply. "Your name's been called out four times already!"

After a wild party the night before, both husband and wife woke up with dreadful hangovers.

"Last night in the garden, was it you I made love to?" asked the befuddled husband.

"I don't know," replied the wife. "You wouldn't happen to know what time that was?"

PUBBING.

Two men were sitting at the bar talking over past times. One said to the other, "I'll never forget the day I turned to the bottle as a subst.i.tute for women."

"Why's that then?" replied the other.

"I got my d.i.c.k stuck in it."

Two naive young men were sitting in the park talking.

"Tell you what, Jake," said Maurice. "Let's go down the new pub tonight, 'The Crown and Sceptre'. I've heard it's right good. After you've bought the first drink, the rest are free for the whole night. And then," he grinned conspirationally, "you goes out the back and has s.e.x."

"Are you sure?" asked Jake doubtfully.

"Oh yeah, it was my sister wot told me. That's wot happened to her when she went down there the other night."

A man came staggering through the park, well and truly p.i.s.sed when he saw another man doing press-ups. After watching him for a minute or two, the drunk started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" asked the man angrily.

"I think you ought to know that someone's stolen your woman," he replied.

A man had a very clever parrot whose memory was second to none. One day, the man came up with a foolproof way of making lots of money. He got the parrot to learn the National Anthem and then took it down the pub where he told the customers, "I bet 10 that my parrot can sing the whole of the National Anthem."

Some interest was shown and the money was placed on the bar. Sadly though, the parrot never uttered a note and the man had to pay out a lot of money. When he got home, he was beside himself with rage.

"You b.l.o.o.d.y stupid, half-witted bird. You've lost me a lot of money today."

"Now wait up a minute," said the clever old bird. "Just imagine the interest you'll get tomorrow when we go back."

A local man walks into the pub knowing that the man behind the bar is short of money after spending all his wages on the horses.

"h.e.l.lo Pete, fancy a bet?" says the man. "I bet you 100 that I can p.i.s.s into this empty beer gla.s.s."

The bartender agrees, so the man drops his trousers and p.i.s.ses everywhere - on the floor, the bar, the tables, even on the bartender himself. The bartender smiles and demands his money.

"OK, Pete, won't be a moment," says the man and he walks over to three men at the other end of the room and comes back with 300 in his hand.

"Here you are, bartender", and he hands over the 100.

"Just a moment," says Pete, looking puzzled. "What's going on over there?"

The man smiles.

"Well, earlier today I made a bet with those three men that I could p.i.s.s all over your pub and you'd still be smiling at the end of it."

A man walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder.

"Sorry, Sir, no ferrets in here," says the landlord. "You'll have to go elsewhere."

"Now hold on a minute," says the man, "this ferret does the best b.l.o.w. .j.o.b ever."

"Get out of here," bellows the landlord angrily. "I don't have to listen to such c.r.a.p."

"No really," persists the man. "If you don't believe me, take him out the back and see for yourself."

So the landlord goes out the back and reappears some time later with a big smile on his face.

"That was b.l.o.o.d.y fantastic," he says. "How much do you want for him?"

"Oh, he's not for sale."

But the landlord insists and after a certain amount of bargaining, they agree on a price of 1,200. When the bar has closed, the landlord takes the ferret home and finds his wife in the kitchen.

"Gloria! teach this ferret how to keep house, then pack your bags and b.u.g.g.e.r off."

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a pasty.

"How much will that be?" he asks.

"Nothing, Sir, it's on the house."

A little later, he orders another beer and again is told it's on the house. After a third pint, he questions the barman.