Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 23

"Why are all the drinks free today?"

"Oh, it's quite simple really, Sir," replies the barman. "The owner of this pub doesn't know that I know he's upstairs with my wife. So I'm doing to him down here, what he's doing to me up there."

A fire engine came racing around the corner and disappeared up the road, bells clanging wildly. As it pa.s.sed The Flying Horse, a drunk staggered out and started chasing it, but after a minute or so he collapsed on the ground breathing heavily.

"b.u.g.g.e.r it," he gasped. "You can keep your b.l.o.o.d.y ice creams."

"Oh Bob," sighed his wife. "I wish you wouldn't go down the pub every night. You drink far too much. Here, let me show you something."

Bob's wife put two gla.s.ses before him, one filled with whisky, the other with water. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam around happily while the worm in the whisky had a fit and sank to the bottom, dead.

"There!" said the wife triumphantly. "Now what does that show you?"

Bob looked at the two gla.s.ses and replied, "It shows me that if you drink, you won't get worms. Now I'm off to the pub."

"I'm sorry, Sir, you can't bring that dog into the pub, it's against the rules," said the barman.

"Aah, but this isn't just any dog, this is special. He'll do anything you ask him," boasted the customer.

"OK, tell him to go and get me a newspaper."

The man gave the dog 5 and off he ran. Time went by and the dog didn't return. After an hour, the owner decided to go and look for it. He roamed the streets for ages, until eventually he found the dog in a dark alley humping a b.i.t.c.h.

"What's all this about, you've never let me down before?"

complained the man.

"Maybe," replied the dog, "but I've never had so much money before."

A man walked up to the bar and asked for a pint of less.

"Less?" questioned the barmaid, "I've never heard of it, is it a new beer?"

"I don't know," replied the man. "When I went to the doctor's this morning, he told me I should drink less."

A group of men standing at the bar were watching a bloke sitting in the far corner, surrounded by gorgeous women.

"I can't understand it," said one of the onlookers. "What's he got that the rest of us haven't?"

The others shook their heads dejectedly.

"I don't know," said the barman. "Every day he comes in, he doesn't have much money, he dresses conservatively, and all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows."

A man walks into a bar followed by an alligator. He gets everybody's attention and then hits the alligator over the head with an empty beer bottle. Ouch! The stunned beast slowly opens his mouth, the man undoes his trousers and puts his d.i.c.k inside its mouth. He pulls it out just in time before the alligator's mouth snaps shut.

"Now, ladies and gentlemen," he announces to a stunned audience. "I dare anyone to do the same for a bet of 100."

There is a hushed silence and then suddenly an old woman's voice is heard.

"OK, I'll take on the bet, but just don't hit me too hard with the bottle."

"Whisky on the rocks, bartender, please," says the man, and as he gulps it down in one go he takes out a picture from his back pocket.

"Another whisky, please," and again he gulps it down and looks at the picture in his back pocket. For the next 2 hours he goes through the same routine, time and time again. By the end of the night he turns to stagger out when the bartender taps him on the shoulder.

"Sorry, mate, but I have to ask," said the bartender. "You've ordered whiskies all night and each time you've drunk one, you've taken out a picture in your back pocket and looked at it. May I ask why?"

"Sure," replied the man, sounding very p.i.s.sed. "It's a picture of my wife and when I think she's looking good, then it's time for me to go home."

A sailor had been away at sea for six months so as soon as he landed back on sh.o.r.e he headed for the nearest waterfront bar. Inside the 'Paradiso' a few men were standing at the bar, a pianist was tinkling on the ivories in the corner and a monkey was hanging from the rafters. The sailor went up to the bar and asked for a beer but before he could take a gulp the monkey swung down and p.i.s.sed in the gla.s.s.

"What!" roared the sailor. "Did you see that? Get me another drink."

A second pint of beer was put before him and again the monkey swung down and weed all over it.

The sailor was incensed and grabbed the barman by his s.h.i.+rt front, threatening him with all manner of punishment.

"Hold on, mate," said the barman, "it's not my monkey, it's the pianist's over there. The sailor marched over to the corner and confronted the piano player.

"Do you know your monkey's p.i.s.sing in my beer?" he roared.

The pianist thought for a moment and then replied, "No, but if you hum the tune, I'll soon pick up the melody."

Two mates were talking over a pint of beer.

"What's wrong, Jack, you don't look so good," said Bob.

"It's this b.l.o.o.d.y toothache, been driving me mad, I just can't get rid of it."

"Well, maybe I can help you there. I had a toothache a couple of months ago and believe it or not my wife gave me a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b and I was cured. Why don't you try it?"

"Thanks, Jack, I'll have a go. Will your wife be home tonight?"

The bar was empty except for two men and very soon they got talking and commenting about "life".

"Let me tell you something, you can find out a lot about a person very quickly if you know the right question to ask,"

said the pompous one.

"Is that so?" replied the dimwitted man. "Tell me more."

"Well, say for example that I ask you if you have a dog."

"I do," he replied.

"Well, in that case I a.s.sume you have a backyard to keep it in."

"I do," he replied.

"Then I also a.s.sume you have a house to go with the backyard."

"I do, I do," he replied, quite amazed.

"And if you have a house, I think you're probably married."

"I am."

"So I a.s.sume you're not gay."

"No, I'm not."

"So there you are," said the pompous man. "Just by asking you whether you have a dog I'm able to deduce that you are married, not gay, and live in a house."

"That's astounding," replied the other, "truly astounding."

A couple of weeks went by and one Thursday lunchtime the dimwitted man found himself back in the same bar. Again it was very quiet apart from a stranger sitting close by.

"Excuse me," said the man who had been eager to put his newly acquired knowledge to the test. "May I ask you whether you have a dog?"

"No I don't," replied the stranger. At that, the man quickly pushed back his chair and headed for the door saying as he went, "Then I'm not stopping round here with a b.l.o.o.d.y poof."

A man walks into a pub, orders a pint of beer and asks the barman if he can borrow the pub's newspaper and do the crossword.

The barman thinks for a moment and then replies, "I'd just like to ask you a couple of questions first. Tell me, when a sheep dumps why does it come out in little dottles?"

The man shook his head. "I don't know."

"OK," said the barman. "What about cows, why does it come out in a round 'pat'?"

Again the man shook his head.

"Listen, mate," said the barman scornfully. "You don't know s.h.i.+t, so I don't reckon you'll be able to do the crossword!"

A man walks into a pub and the locals ask him if he would like to play bar football.

"Yes," replies the man, "but what do I have to do?"

"Oh it's quite easy - drink beer, p.i.s.s and then fart."

So the man does as he has been told. Then one of the locals tells him, "If you can do it again, you'll get an extra point."

So the man obliges. He drinks the beer, pulls down his trousers to take a p.i.s.s but before he has time to fart one of the locals shoves his finger up the man's a.r.s.e.

"Heh! What the h.e.l.l's going on?" asks the man.

"Just blocking the point," comes the reply.

A man walks into a bar with a Cornish pasty on his head and asks the barman for a pint of beer. Unable to conceal his curiosity, the barman hands the man the beer and says, "Excuse me, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have a Cornish pasty on your head."

"That's right," replies the man. "I always have a Cornish pasty on my head on a Thursday."

"But Sir, it's Friday today."

"Oh no!" says the man. "I must look a right prat."

A stranger walked into the bar and asked for a pint of beer.

Now it was a very close-knit community and the locals were always suspicious of outsiders so they elected Jack from the nearby farm to find out who he was.

Some minutes later after Jack had chatted to the stranger about the weather, he asked the man what he did.

"I'm a taxidermist," replied the man, "and I've really enjoyed spending time in these parts. Yesterday I stuffed a prize- winning sheep dog, then I mounted Mrs Smith's goat and today I'm going to have a go at her old pig."

Jack returned to his mates who were dying to know what had been said.

"It's alright, chaps," he replied to their questions. "I thought he said he was a taxi driver but in fact he's really a shepherd like us, on holiday."

A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him, he exclaimed, "My goodness, an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new."