Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 24

"No it isn't," commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him. "I married one."

Two men chatting over a pint.

Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"

"It's the wife, since she's started this high-powered job she's cut our s.e.x down to 3 times a week."

"You're lucky," remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely."

A man is drinking at the bar when a huge ugly woman sits down on the stool beside him. He ignores her completely and they drink away quietly for over an hour. Suddenly, the woman turns to him and slurs, "If I have another drink, I'm really going to feel it."

He replies, "To be honest, if I have another drink I probably won't mind."

A man walks into the bar with a monkey and asks for 2 pints of beer.

"We don't serve monkeys in here," replies the barman.

"You'll have to go elsewhere."

"Oh come on, you can see how quiet he is, there'll be no trouble," urges the man.

Eventually the barman gives in and 2 pints are placed on the bar. However, it's not long before the monkey starts to feel the effects of the beer and he begins to get quite boisterous.

All of a sudden he swings over to the snooker table, picks up the black ball and swallows it. The barman is outraged and orders them both out immediately.

"Heh, I'm really sorry, mate. That ball will have to come out at some point and then I'll bring it straight back." True to his word, a couple of days later the man returns, accompanied by the monkey on a lead and of course the black snooker ball. He hands back the ball and orders a couple of pints.

"No way," says the barman. "Who knows what trouble that monkey of yours will cause this time."

"No, no, I've got him on a lead now, nothing will happen,"

replies the man, so the barman serves them. The monkey sits quietly on the stool, supping his beer and occasionally taking a peanut from the dish on the bar. Each time he picks one up, he first sticks it up his backside before putting it in his mouth. The barman looks on astonished and turning to the man he asks, "What's with your monkey, why does he keep doing that with the peanuts?"

"Oh it's simple really, after the trouble with the black snooker ball he likes to test the size of the food before he eats it."

A Scottish man burst into the local pub with a completely black tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"What's happened to you?" asked one of his mates.

"A bottle of whisky fell and broke on the hot tar road," he replied.

Two penniless alcoholics are desperately seeking some way to get more booze when one of them comes up with a great idea. "Listen, mate, with our last 20p we'll buy a sausage and I'll stick it in your flies. Trust me, it can't fail." So they do as Sid suggests and then go into a bar and order 2 doubles which they soon put away. When the barman asks for the money Sid gets down on his knees and sucks the sausage sticking out of his mate's trousers.

"Ugh, you filthy b.u.g.g.e.rs, get out of my bar," yells the barman, "and don't let me ever see you in here again."

The two men successfully repeat the trick all afternoon until they are so sozzled they can't stand up.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," croaks Sid, "what a day...my knees ain't half sore from kneeling down so often."

"That's nothing," replies his mate. "I lost the sausage after the second pub."

A man spends the evening in the pub and by the end of the night he's so drunk he can hardly walk home. But he sets off and in a befuddled haze decides to take a short cut through the park and climb over the wall. All goes well until the final gate which is topped by sharp gla.s.s and s.h.i.+nning over this he badly rips his backside. By the time he gets home, he's in agony so quietly, without waking the wife, he heads for the bathroom to inspect the damage, clean up the wounds and do a bit of safety first. The next morning he crawls out of bed with a king-sized hangover and an aching a.r.s.e.

"What did you get up to last night?" accused his wife. "You were horribly drunk."

"No I wasn't," he replied. "What makes you think that?"

"I'll tell you why. I found all our plasters on the bathroom mirror this morning," she retorted.

A man walks up to the bar and asks for an entendre.

"Would you like a single or a double?" asks the barmaid.

"A double please," he replies.

"OK, Sir, so yours is a large one."

A drunk barged into a man looking under the bonnet of his car.

"Anything wrong?" he mumbled.

"Piston broke," came the reply.

"Same here," said the drunk.

A goose waddles into a bar and asks the bartender for a dish of snails.

"This is a pub! We don't sell snails in here, only drinks" says the bartender, so the goose leaves.

The following day, the goose returns and asks for a dish of snails.

"I told you yesterday, we don't have snails, so don't waste my time," says the bartender impatiently. Again, the goose leaves.

On the next day, the goose reappears and asks for a plate of snails.

"That's it, that's b.l.o.o.d.y it," snarls the bartender. "Get out and don't ever come in here again or I'll nail your beak to the bar."

"Okay," says the goose and disappears.

But lo and behold, the goose walks in the next day, looks at the bartender and asks, "Have you got any nails?"

"NO," bellows the bartender.

"Well, in that case, have you got any snails?"

A dishevelled looking man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.

"Now wait a minute," says the bartender suspiciously. "Let's see your money first."

"Listen mate," he replies. "I haven't got any money, but if you give me some beer, I'll stand up on the bar and fart 'Blue Suede Shoes'."

Now the bartender is intrigued by this, so he agrees. The man drinks his beer, gets up on the bar and drops his trousers. Everyone in the pub cheers loudly, but suddenly he starts to s.h.i.+t all over the counter.

"Aaagh!" The customers are so appalled, they immediately get up and leave.

"You f.u.c.king prat!" yells the bartender. "You said you were going to fart 'Blue Suede Shoes'."

"Now wait a minute," says the man. "Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he began to sing."

An Irishman walks into a bar with a small green man and orders two pints which they immediately drink and then he orders two more. Meanwhile, further down the bar is a man on his own and when he catches sight of the newcomers, he shouts over, "Heh, who's that little green man? He's a bit odd."

Hearing this, the little green man rushes over, looks the man closely in the face and goes "Slurrpp".

"Urgh," says the man, wiping his face, "there's no need for that."

"Well, have a bit more respect then" says the Irishman, "he's a leprechaun."

An hour later and quite a few drinks later, the man shouts over again, "He's a b.l.o.o.d.y ugly b.u.g.g.e.r, isn't he?"

The little green man runs over once more and goes "Slurrpp" in his face.

This time, the man loses his temper and bellows, "If that leprechaun does it again I'll cut his k.n.o.b off."

"You can't," replies the Irishman, "he hasn't got one."

"Well, how does he have a pee then?"

"He doesn't, he just goes 'Slurrpp'," comes the reply.

A man walked into a bar with a gorilla on a lead.

"I've just bought King Kong here as my new pet," he said "and he's going to be part of the family. He'll even sleep in the same bed as me and the wife."

"But what about the smell?" asked the barman.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, I did."

A man rushes into a bar, orders four double whiskies and gulps them down immediately.

"Wow!" says the bartender. "You must be in a hurry."

"You would be too, if you had what I've got," he replies.

"Oh really? What's that?" he asks sympathetically.

"50p."

A man walked into the pub with a black eye. "Good heavens," exclaimed the barman, "What happened? Who gave you that?"

"No one," replied the man, "I had to fight for it."

A man walks into an empty bar and orders a drink. No one comes in so he asks the barman if he can have the TV on and the two of them watch the test match in companionable silence. England are going along nicely until the opposing team put on a fast bowler who takes two wickets in two consecutive overs. The customer turns to the barman and says, "I bet you 5 he doesn't get a wicket in this over."

Now the barman had listened to the game earlier, on the radio, and knew the bowler did get his hat-trick. "Okay mate, you're on," he says.

The next over begins and as they watch, the third wicket goes down. "d.a.m.n, d.a.m.n, d.a.m.n," curses the man. "I don't believe it," and he hands over 5.

Suddenly the barman feels very guilty and says, "No mate, keep your money, I listened to the game earlier on today."

"So did I," says the customer. "I just didn't think he could pull it off a second time!"

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints of beer which he drinks one by one. When he's finished, he orders another three pints and drinks them in the same way. After doing this for a whole month, the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man why he drinks in such a fas.h.i.+on.

"The other two pints are for my brothers who have emigrated to Australia. This is our way of remembering each other."

Then one day, the man comes in and only orders two pints.