Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 8

Inappropriate Language.

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!"

Ceiling Fan.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven. When he was stop by saint peter at the gates, Peter asked him...what have u done in your life so as to impress me and let you in?

"Well i was the best d.a.m.n president this world has ever seen!" St. Peter was impressed and let him in.

When Bill entered heaven...he didn't picture it to be this way. Everywhere he looked there were clocks ticking with names of people who were on earth. He noticed that they would tick in an uneven pattern. He asked St. Peter.

"Why is it that these clocks aren't ticking in a normal pattern?"

"well, u see everytime SOMEONE TELLS A LIE the second hand ticks once"

Bill scratches his head...he looks for his to see how his end of the bargin is holding up. Bewildered he doesn't see his at all, and he was even the president! So he asks "ST Peter...i don't mean to ask so many questions but...where is my clock? i mean...i must be popular...i'm surprised mine isn't the first one on the wall!"

ST Peter says..."Well since your so special...we've set it up in G.o.d's office!"

Bill was really surprised to hear that!

"WOW u really mean that? can i see it?"

"sure thing" says St Peter.....they walk to G.o.d's office and low and behold he sees his clock spinning wildly!!!!!!

St Peter says...you see your clock is so special because G.o.d uses it as his celing fan!!!!

Clever Woman.

Just a reminder of how clever the female population can be!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Nun Goes Fis.h.i.+ng.

One day a nun was fis.h.i.+ng and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fis.h.!.+" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use G.o.d's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!

Snoring.

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."

How To Be Boss.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the a.s.shole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the a.s.shole being the boss. The a.s.shole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the a.s.shole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the a.s.shole just bossed and pa.s.sed out a lot of c.r.a.p.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old a.s.shole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single a.s.shole.

Bill And The Guys On Communication.

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wrist.w.a.tch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere." The others nod and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth." The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX.

Wrong Way.

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral s.e.x," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

Nine Irritations In Life.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f.u.c.k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a.s.s to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When poeple say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". f.u.c.king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f.u.c.k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f.u.c.king floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you suns.h.i.+ne?

7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." What the f.u.c.k? Life is the longest d.a.m.n thing anyone ever f.u.c.king does! What can you do that's longer?