Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 9

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba.s.s?

Roommate.

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relations.h.i.+p between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I a.s.sure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle," said Joanne. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?".

"Well," said Michael, "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Brain Teasers.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of a.s.sa.s.sins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? --Lions room since the lions haven't eaten for 3 years they would have DIED by now.

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? --She Took A Photo.

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? --Freeze The Water First.

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away? --Charcoal.

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sat.u.r.day, or Sunday? --Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow!

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. --No Letter "E".

Ladies Room.

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the b.u.t.tons inside. The b.u.t.tons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the b.u.t.tons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first b.u.t.ton marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the b.u.t.ton marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The b.u.t.ton marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last b.u.t.ton marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" b.u.t.ton which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p.e.n.i.s is under your pillow!"

Definitions Of Words By Gender....

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.

Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

b.u.t.t (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarra.s.sing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Osama In h.e.l.l.

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to h.e.l.l, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in h.e.l.l. "No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented. So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Leave Letters & Applications.

This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications.

1. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertis.e.m.e.nt calling for a typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".

7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept : "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

What NOT To Say To The Police.

* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

* Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

* Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

* Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

* You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

* Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

* Didn't I see you get your b.u.t.t kicked on COPS?

* Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.