Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 21

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON Pa.s.sING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wilts.h.i.+re parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPa.s.sER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

My Dog Named s.e.x.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine s.e.x. Now, s.e.x has been very embarra.s.sing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for s.e.x. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had s.e.x since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have s.e.x at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But s.e.x has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around s.e.x." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having s.e.x at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for s.e.x. He said that every room in the motel is a place for s.e.x. I said, "You don't understand. ... s.e.x keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered s.e.x in a contest. But before the compet.i.tion began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have s.e.x in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have s.e.x on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had s.e.x before I was married but s.e.x left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night s.e.x ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for s.e.x." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more d.a.m.n troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "s.e.x has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that s.e.x isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

Death.

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding apt.i.tude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to h.e.l.l."

"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in h.e.l.l. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of h.e.l.l and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on h.e.l.l," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of h.e.l.l.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

Idiots 1.

The following are true incidents of really stupid things people have done.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pa.s.s two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven st.i.tches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five pa.s.sengers was. .h.i.t by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page ma.n.u.script to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Was.h.i.+ngton DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy b.u.t.ton each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

30 Things Guys Want Grls To Know.

30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know!!

1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS an a.s.s hole.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don't treat us like s.h.i.+t, what goes around comes around.

6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.

9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.

11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.

12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.

13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."

17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.

21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22. Pamela Anderson's b.o.o.bs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relations.h.i.+p.

24. PMS is not an excuse.

25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.

28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.

29. We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.

30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

Princ.i.p.al Teacher & Student.

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the princ.i.p.al's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the princ.i.p.al what the situation was. The princ.i.p.al told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Princ.i.p.al: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Princ.i.p.al: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the princ.i.p.al thought a third-grade should know. The princ.i.p.al looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the princ.i.p.al, "Let me ask him some questions?" The princ.i.p.al and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment, replied: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The Princ.i.p.al wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry : Coconut. The princ.i.p.al's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum. Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The princ.i.p.al's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands. Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent. Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Princ.i.p.al was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring. Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose. Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.