Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 32

Without censors.h.i.+p, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.

General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam.

Daddy's Daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fas.h.i.+onable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, s.e.x without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to s.e.x, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-s.h.i.+rts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or s.e.xual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless G.o.d of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter pa.s.sword, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Pakistan Math Paper.

>> >>GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS >>------------------------------------------------------------------ >>i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot. ii) Any student >>coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced >>to join Al Qayda group. iii) Ak 47 -s and Grenades are not allowed >>in the exam hall. iv) Students may keep their Daggers,Revolvers and >>pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.

>>------------------------------------------------------------------ >> >>Subject: Mathematics Exam Time 3 hours Full Marks 100 All questions >>are compulsory.

>> >>1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wifes in his house.

>>Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the >>youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets >>minimum, and each wife gets double of her former compet.i.tor. Abdul >>has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs >>atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have >>to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not >>starve.? 2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marihuana, >>hahsish,heroin and LHDs are 50, 60, 70, 80 Rupaye respectively.

>>Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buy more >>than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim, a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount, >>find out the grams of LHD he bought.?

>> >>3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over.He deforms the ball .02% >>of its original shape each time. Find the percentage deformation >>the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in >>which Imran balled 9.3 overs. 4. Mohammed has a Company named Al >>Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 >>people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threatens are >>cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are >>Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepers in Calcutta . If >>ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Mohammed's >>city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi, Calcutta and Madras respectively >>and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230/- Rupaya in a month. Find >>out The number of Cinema stars in Mumbai threatened in that >>particular month.

>> >>5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket >>Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its recruits for >>training .One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150$ ,A Bazuka >>rocket Launcher costs 250$, grenade is 3$ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb >>attached with remote Control is 500 $. The terrorist group admits >>2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court- martialed.

>>Find the amt. of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each >>year to run such group. 6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in >>Pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i >>; Find out x. 7. Probalibity of a Pakistani prime minister to be >>shot is 78%. Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .

>>Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is >>also a Military general. 8. Find out geometrically the area of >>Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama Bin Ladens Correction >>(That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if >>Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

>> >>9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Dra.s.s to Kargil which is >>not too far from Dra.s.s (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East >>of Dra.s.s. The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the >>wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of >>the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot >>decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.

>>Will the airplane ever reach Kargil? What if the speed of the wind >>is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number >>(can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of >>the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the >>three cases: k=1, k>1 and k<>

>> >>10) Briefly discuss the unsolved problem of "Bisection of a >>Triangle" with a Compa.s.s and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is >>named as KASHMIR.

Blonde Jokes.Interrogation

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly fl.u.s.tered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular gla.s.ses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Ice Fis.h.i.+ng

Once a blonde decided to go ice fis.h.i.+ng. She grabbed all her equipment and put on her fis.h.i.+ng outfit. She walked out onto the icy surface and found a good spot. She took a knife and made a large circle in the ice with it. "NO! Not there! You will find no fis.h.!.+" a booming voice announced out of nowhere. So the blonde moved a few feet away and made another circle."NO!! Not there either!!" The voice boomed again. The blonde moved a third time, making another circle on the ice. "I said, NO!! There is no fish there!!" The voice boomed again. "Is that you, G.o.d?" The blonde called out. "NO!!" The voice boomed. "It's the manager of the ice rink!!"

Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no s.h.i.+rt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

* she tried to drown a fish.

* she thought a quarterback was a refund.

* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

* she tripped over a cordless phone.

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

* she studied for a blood test.

* she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

How To Kill A Lion.

MATHEMATICIANS.

hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

QUANTUM MECHANICS SCIENTISTS.

spend their time trying to ascertain whether a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small amounts of radioactive substances and gla.s.s vials of toxic vapour (Schrodinger's Lion).

LOGICIANS.

don't hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS.

hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

Go to South Africa Start at the Cape of Good Hope Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west During each traverse a) catch all observed animals b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion c) stop when a match is detected Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. a.s.sembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS.

hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously observed Lions.

(Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!) ECONOMISTS .

don't hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

POLITICIANS.

hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

PROTECTION RACKETEERS.

hunt Lions by making them an offer they can't refuse.

STATISTICIANS.

hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

CONSULTANTS.

don't hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all, but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the Lion.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT.

set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the a.s.sumption that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.