Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 34

Kaun.

Urmila Matondkar stabs Manoj Bajpai in the back but when he slides against the wall, there's no trace of blood at all.

Aa Ab Laut Chalen.

When Aishwarya Rai storms out of her brother's house, she's just clutching a purse. Yet in the very next scene, she carries two bags.

Bade Dilwala.

Sunil Shetty and Priya Gill go to a hotel to book single romms. But at the reception, they are handed over keys without any formalities of a check-in.

Jaanam Samjha Karo.

Salman Khan breaks through a wall to rescue Urmila Matondkar. But the car remains unscratched.

International Khiladi.

An advocate states that there's no case registered against Akshay k.u.mar. But a while later, police inspector Rajat Bedi displays an entire file of cases registered against Akshay.

Kartoos.

Jackie Shroff shoots Sanjay Dutt on his leg. But in the next scene, Sanjay is seen walking merrily.

Aarzoo.

When Madhuri Dixit takes SaifAli Khan to meet Akshay k.u.mar at a restaurant, her hair is permed. She enters the restaurant and the hairstyle changes to a step-cut. When she steps out, it's permed once again.

Anari No.1.

Govinda's mother is said to have pa.s.sed away shortly after giving birth to him. But Govinda is heard saying that his mother had told him that he would become a bada aadmi some day.

Silsila Hai Pyar Ka.

Karishma Kapoor is in a mini-skirt when she attends Danny Denzongpa's business meeting with Chandrachur Singh. Cut to the next scene and she's in a long skirt.

Pyaar Mein Kabhi Kabhi.

Dino Morea and Rinke Khanna step into a normal double decker bus. But in the next scene, the bus is open-air.

Mann.

During the song, Nasha ye pyaar ka nasha,Manisha Koirala's hair is gelled. But when Aamir Khan pulls her hair free it starts flying.

Haseena Maan Jaayegi.

When Sanjay Dutt and Govinda learn that their father has been kidnapped, they not only break out of jail to rescue him but also manage to don police uniforms.

Sirf Tum.

Priya Gill gets wet in the rain. So she enters a girls' hostel to change her clothes. But after draping on a dry sari, she goes out in the rain again.

Biwi No.1.

During the karva chauth scene, Salman Khan drives off to meet Sushmita Sen at Bandra. Then the dog leads Karisma Kapoor from Juhu to Bandra on foot. They cover the distance in a few seconds.

Sooryavansham.

In the climax, the old Amitabh Bachchan is lying in the I.C.U. Outside the hospital, the young Amitabh Bachchan is beaten up by ruffians. But when he's attacked with a sword, the old Bachchan rushes to rescue him.

Hindustan Ki Kasam.

Ajay Devgan sky-dives without a parachute. But he lands on earth safely withoutso much as a scratch on his body.

Sarfarosh.

During the song Jo haal disl ka, a boy gives Aamir Khan a red rose in full bloom. But soon after we see Aamir with a rose bud in his hand.

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.

Ajay Devgan and Aishwarya Rai have been robbed of all their belongings. They don't have money to even buy train tickets. Yet they manage to get seats at the opera.

Indians Vs. Pakistanis.

1. Three Indians and three Pakistanis are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Pakistanis each buy tickets and watch as the three Indians buy only a single ticket? How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? Asks a Pakistani. Watch and you will see, answers an Indian. They all board the train. The Pakistanis take their respective seats. But all three Indians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the TC comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack and a single Arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Pakistanis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Pakistanis decide to copy the Indians on The return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Indians don't buy a ticket at all? How are you going to travel without a ticket? Says one perplexed Pakistani. Watch and you'll see, answers an Indian. When they board the Train the three Pakistanis cram into a bathroom and the three Indians cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Indian leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Pakistanis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.

2. Three guys, a Pakistani, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking Together one day. They came across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. I will give you each one wish that's three wishes total says the Genie. The Sri Lankan says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka. With a blink of the genie's eye, "FOOM" The land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming. The Pakistani was amazed. So he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state. "Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF". There was a huge wall around Pakistan. The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and Completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." The Indian says, "Fill it up with water".

3. A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed that he needed An immediate brain transplant operation. The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for $10,000 dollars or an American's for $25,000 dollars or I can give you 10 gms. Of a Pakistani's brain for $100,000 dollars. The patient asked, "Why is the Pakistani's brain so much more expensive Than the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of Pakistanis To find 10 gms of brain."

4. Vajpayee and Musharaf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharaf's chair has three b.u.t.tons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharaf presses a b.u.t.ton and a boxing glove pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face. Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes, Musharaf presses a second b.u.t.ton and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the b.u.t.t. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharaf presses the final b.u.t.ton, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister. Musharaf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the appointment stands. A week later Vajpayee receives Musharaf in the Prime Minister's Office. As Musharaf sits down, he sees three b.u.t.tons in the armrest of Vajpayee's Chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Musharaf sees Vajpayee press the first b.u.t.ton, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing...really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another b.u.t.ton. Musharaf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing. Musharaf doesn't get it -what the h.e.l.l is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes Indian PM presses the final b.u.t.ton. This time, Musharaf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharaf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and Shouts: "I've had enough of this; I'm going back to Pakistan" Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "PAKISTAN? WHAT PAKISTAN? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE?"

Television.

Things you know because of TV...

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a pa.s.sing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pa.s.s yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

- People of TV never finish their drinks.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- The chief of police is always black.

- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

- All single women have a cat.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

- If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "h.e.l.lo?, h.e.l.lo?"

- Most people keep a sc.r.a.pbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately a.s.signed a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

- No matter how badly a s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you b.u.mp into will know all the steps.