Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 35

Engineers.

>Subject: Engineers >*************************************************

>Comprehending Engineers-First Take >*************************************************

>Two engineering students were walking across campus >when one said, >"Where >did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer >replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding >my own business >when a >beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the >bike to the ground, >took >off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

>"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; >the clothes >probably wouldn't have fit."

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Two >*************************************************

> >To the optimist, the gla.s.s is half full. To the >pessimist, the gla.s.s is >half-empty. To the engineer, the gla.s.s is twice as big >as it needs to >be.

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Three >*************************************************

>A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one >morning for a >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer >fumed, "What's >with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 >minutes!" The >doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen >such inept.i.tude!"

>The >pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's >have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with >that group ahead of >us?

>They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper >replied, "Oh, yes, >that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their >sight saving our >clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them >play for free >anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The >pastor said, "That's >so >sad. I will say a special prayer for them >tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going >to contact my >ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he >can do for them."

>The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at >night?"

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Four >*************************************************

>What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers >and Civil >Engineers?

>Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers >build targets.

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Five >*************************************************

>The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it >work?"

>The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How >does it work?"

>The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much >will it cost?"

>The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want >fries with that?"

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Six >*************************************************

>Three engineering students were gathered together >discussing the >possible >designers of the human body. One said, "It was a >mechanical engineer.

>Just >look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was >an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many >thousands of >electrical >connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a >civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste >pipeline through a >recreational area?"

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven >*************************************************

>Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broke, >don't fix it.

>Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't >have enough >features >yet."

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight >*************************************************

>An architect, an artist and an engineer were >discussing whether it was >better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The >architect said he >enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid >foundation for an enduring >relations.h.i.+p. The artist said he enjoyed time with his >mistress, >because of >the pa.s.sion and mystery he found there. The engineer >said, "I like >both."

>"Both?" The Engineer said: "Yeah. If you have a wife >and a mistress, >they >will each a.s.sume you are spending time with the other >woman, and you >can go >to the office and get some work done."

>Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine >*************************************************

>An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog >called out to him >and >said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful >princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it >in his pocket.

>The >frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn >me back into a >beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one >week." The engineer >took >the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned >it to the pocket.

>The >frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back >into a princess, >I'll >stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the >engineer took the >frog >out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

>Finally, the frog >asked, >"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful >princess, that I'll >stay >with you for a week and do anything you want. Why >won't you kiss me?"

>The >engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have >time for a >girlfriend, >but a talking frog......that's cool."

Only in America.

This is pretty funny. When you have the time, > > read it all the way through.

> > 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your > > house faster than an ambulance.

> > 2. Only in America......are there handicap > > parking places in front of a skating rink.

> > 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the > > sick walk all the way to the back of the store to > >get their prescriptions while healthy people can > > buy cigarettes at the front.

> > 4. Only in America......do people order double > >cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet c.o.ke.

> >5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors > >open and then chain the pens to the counters.

> >6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth > > thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our > >useless junk in the garage.

> >7. Only in America......do we use answering > >machines to screen calls and then have call > > waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we > >didn't want to talk to in the first place.

> > 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in > > packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

> > 9. Only in America......do we use the word > >'politics' to describe the process so well: > >'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning > >'bloodsucking creatures'.

> >10. Only in America......do they have drive-up > > ATM machines with Braille lettering.

> > > > EVER WONDER > >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth > >closed?

> >Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins > > Lottery"?

> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

> >Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to > >click on "Start"?

> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, > >and dishwas.h.i.+ng liquid made with real lemons?

> >Why is the man who invests all your money called > >a broker?

> >Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic > >called rush hour?

> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who > >tests it?

> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

> >Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal > >injections?

> >You know that indestructible black box that is > >used on airplanes?

> >Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

> >Why are they called apartments when they are all > >stuck together?

> > > >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the > >opposite of progress?

> > If flying is so safe, why do they call the > >airport the terminal?

> > > > >In case you needed further proof that the human > > race is doomed through stupidity, here are some > >actual label instructions on consumer goods.

> > > >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while > >sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to > >work on my hair).

> > > >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a > >winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside.

> > (the shoplifter special)?

> > > >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use > >like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) > > > >On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving > >suggestion:Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

> > > >On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on > >bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a > > bit late, huh)!

> > > >On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product > >will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) > > > >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not > >iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me > >more time)?

> > > >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not > >drive a car or operate machinery after taking > >this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the > >rate of construction accidents if we could just > >get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those > > forklifts.) > > > >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause > > drowsiness."(and...I'm taking this because???....) > > > >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For > >indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

> > > >On a j.a.panese food processor: "Not to be > > used for the other use." (now, somebody out > >there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) > > > >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains > >nuts." (talk about a news flash) > > > >On an American Airlines packet of nuts: > >"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: > >maybe, uh...fly Delta?) > > > > On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this > > garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't > > blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) > > > >On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop > > chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there > > a lot of this happening somewhere?) > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your > >turn to spread the stupidity and send this to > >someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even > >a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

> > We all need to smile every once in a while.

Indian Traffic.

For the benefit of every Tom, d.i.c.k and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.

1. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

2. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

3. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being b.u.mped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

4. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare l.u.s.t (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.