Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 36

5. Keep informative books in the glove compartment You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.

6. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon pa.s.ses. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans.These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Unique to Indian traffic: Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or pa.s.sengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations,children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Pa.s.ses: Most bus pa.s.sengers are given free pa.s.ses and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (h.e.l.l). There are pa.s.sengers hanging off other pa.s.sengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans angerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of pa.s.senger), no questions are ever asked.Steer clear of these buses by a width of three pa.s.sengers.

One-way Streets: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once.So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 PM and 11 am-when the police have gone home.The citizen then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our const.i.tution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries?

Cool Dictionary.

Male Dictionary For Women...Just in case we don't understand one another.

1. "I'm going fis.h.i.+ng" - Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing" - Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3. "Can I help with dinner?" - Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" - Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain" - Means..."I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late" - Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind" - Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" - Means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear" - Means..."Are you still talking?"

10. "It's a really good movie" - Means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11. "That's women's work" - Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12. "You know how bad my memory is" - Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."

13. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" - Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" - Means..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

15. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" - Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

16. "I can't find it" - Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

17. "What did I do this time?" - Means..."What did you catch me at?"

18. "I heard you" - Means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

19. "You know I could never love anyone else" - Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

20. "You look terrific" - Means..."Oh G.o.d, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

21. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" - Means..."No one will ever see us alive again".

22. "We share the housework" - Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up".

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to Is my a.s.s fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now You're certainly attentive tonight = Is s.e.x all you ever think about??

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have s.e.x now I'm bored = Do you want to have s.e.x?

What's wrong = I guess s.e.x tonight is out of the question I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have s.e.x now!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have s.e.x with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually ike to have s.e.x with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have s.e.x with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have s.e.x with you Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have s.e.x with other guys You look tense, let me give you a ma.s.sage = I want to have s.e.x with you in the next ten minutes Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have s.e.x with me I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

Understanding Women.

FINE : This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES : This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING : This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) : This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) : This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH : This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH : Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY : This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD : At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO : This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS : A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT : This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"...

SILENT TREATMENT : This works wonders and needs no explanation at all.....

Yoo-ess-ayy!!.

Q: Daddy..why did we attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of ma.s.s destruction, honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of ma.s.s destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of ma.s.s destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden.

Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of ma.s.s destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of ma.s.s destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic compet.i.tor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?