Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 38

There will always be one rape scene

HERO.

The Hero is the person who gets the woman in the end and kills everyone with moles on their faces. The hero shaves, drinks, drives, gesticulates and picks several fights. He normally has a mother who seldom has a lover. He may have a moustache, but never has a beard, unless he is in disguise or utter poverty. He delivers his lines with minimum style, and except for those lines in which he grimaces, he is totally stone-faced. If the hero has a comic side to him, he says very little of consequence in the entire film and does not die in the end.

Tere saamne teri maut khadi hai Kuttay !!

Tumhare liye meri jaan bhi haazir hai Mere paas meri mari maa ka as.h.i.+rwad hai.

Apne Aaadmiyon se kaho ki bandookein phhek de Dunyaki koi takat hame juda nahi kar sakti Mere hotey huay tumhara koi baal bhi baaka nahin kar sakta Yeh meri maa keh Kangan hai Maa, mujhe As.h.i.+rwad de Khabardaar joe Usse haat bhee lagaya Tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...

Maa main first cla.s.s first pa.s.s ho gaya hu....

Arre, tum to mere bicchade huay bhai ho

HEROINE.

The heroine is the stupidest of all Hindi film characters. She normally settles for a man with no cla.s.s, and even lesser money. She is usually a lot younger and seriously better looking than the hero, even when the hero is the kind whose insipid persona leaves nothing but the looks to matter. Her father is either ridiculously rich or pathetically poor. Any heroine who starts the film in short skirts ends it in sarees. One who doesn't is the vamp.

Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chhod do Hato. Tum bade woh ho Naheen!

Mein tumhare bagair nahin reh sakti Maa ne tumhe ghar bulaya hai Main usse pyar karti hoon Humne pyar kiya hai koi gunah nahin Kuchh goonde mere pichhe pade hai Baar baar mera pichha kyon karte ho Koi Dekh Lega Maine tumhe kya samjha, aur tum kya nikley!

HERO'S SISTER.

The hero's sister invariably has her modesty outraged. She seldom lasts beyond a few scenes and in rarest cases lives to see the end of the film. If there is ever a poignant scene highlighting the brother-sister relations.h.i.+p, it is a clear indicator of the sister's soon to follow death.

Mein tumhare bachhe ki maa ban ne wali hoon Mere bhaiya ko lambi umar dena, bhagwan Mere bhai pe koi aanch na aye Khabardar jo mujhe chhua bhi, main apni jaan dey doongi Bhaiyya, tum mere liye ek pyaari si bhabhi kab laaonge Main kissi ko muh dikhane layak nahi rahi Bhagwaan ke liye, meri suhaag mat ujaado Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do.

VILLAIN.

Undoubtedly, the villain has the most fun. He nearly gets close to rape the heroine & beats the hero, & kidnap his family in the climax. Sometimes he gets the chance to kill them too !!!

Tum sign karte ho ke nahi ?

Itni achi cheez bhagwaan ke liye chod doon. Kabhi nahin Ab Saare Hindustan par hamara raaz hoga Batao faarmoola kahan hay?

Tumhari maa hamare kabze main hai Kahan jaa rahi ho chhamak chhalon In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai Yahan teri izzat bachane koi nahi ayega Yahan teri cheekh sunne walah koi nahin Bula tere bhagwan ko-- dekhta hoon kaun ata hai?

Kis maai ke laal mein itni himmat hai jo mujhse takrayega ?

Gaddari ki ek hi sazaa hoti hai, maut Uski koi kamzori hogi, koi maa ya behan?

VILLAINS SIDEKICK's.

The villain's cronies normally have quite a raw deal. They seldom get the better women to molest, and even when they do, they have to make do with sharing one among at least ten. They are always hammered by the hero and his sidekick, and return to further hammering from their 'boss' the villain. They are normally dark skinned (!) have moles, beards and wear handkerchiefs around their necks.

Boss, Maine tumhara namak khaya hain Boss! Maal pakda gaya.

Tumhe Boss ne bulaya hain Ok Boss.

DOCTORS.

Doctors in Hindi films are of two kinds, the first is the family/ neighbourhood/ fairy-tale doctor who arrives in slums on rainy midnights to announce high fever and death, and the second is the 'expensive-beyond-lawful-means' doctor who delivers babies, cures near-death cases and drives all his billpayers to crime.

Mujh par bharosa rakhiye I am sorry Iska to bahot khoon bahey chooka hai. Ph.o.r.en operation karna padega.

Bhagwan ne chaha to sab thik hoga.

Badhai ho, tum baap bannay waalay ho Iski haalat bahot najook hai Tumhe sakt aaram ki jaroorat hai Jaldi se woh dawayee lao.

Ab sabh kuch oopar waley ke haath mein hain Ab main kuch bhi nahin kar sakta.

Bacche ko to hum ney bacha liya par maa...

THE LAW.

Contrary to popular belief, there is in fact a concept of law and order in Hindi films. Upholders of the law in Hindi films are of two kinds, the police and the judiciary, quite as it is in real life. The police pick up thugs and the judges let them off

Order..Order..

Kanoon Ko apney haath mein mat lo Kanoon jazbaat nahi, saboot dekhti hai Kanoon ko saboot chahiye Tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki saza sunai jaati hai Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai Milord..

HERO / HEROINE's FATHER.

The father is normally a symbol of outright pathos, either cringing to the worldly demands of having unmarried daughters or the burden of having a violent son with little ambition beyond rotating around trees. If the father is an honest, upright citizen - he is shot in the first few frames by the villain who has little use for his moralities

Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain Agar toonay aisa kiya toh - mujhse burra koi nahin hogaaa Ek baar iske haath pile kar doon, phir mein chain se mar sakta hoon Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein Beti to paraya dhan hai.

Mere jeeteji yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti.

Main jald hi dahez ki sari rakam chuka doonga Yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha ?

Main kahta hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey

MOTHER.

Any widow in a Hindi film is a mother. Anyone marrying a character actor in the beginning of the film and bearing two children is sure to be widowed. The sons thereafter are likely to grow up to be the main protagonists. Sewing machine is her favourite timepa.s.s tool and she will always make halwa for her son.

Mera Raja beta Mera as.h.i.+rwad sada tere saath hai.

Tujhe ek maa ki aah lagegi Mera beta aisa kabhi nahin kar sakta.

Mera beta teri maut bankar aayega, thakur!

Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta...

Mere bete ki raksha karna prabhu Kya apni maa ki baat nahi maanega?

Mera achha beta, jaldi se dudh peekar bada ho jaa.

Is budhi maa ka tumhare siwa aur kaun hai?

Mere Raja bete ko aaj mein apne haaton se khilaaongi Hey bhagwan, mere suhaag ki raksha karna Maine tere liye gajar ka halwa banaya hai Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..

Mar, Mar isse betay, isse ne tere Devata jaise pita ka khoon kiya.

MOTHER-IN-LAW.

The most nasal voice in the cast belongs to the mother-in-law. She has usually got a dead husband, or one who gives 'henpecked' new dimensions. She specialises in kicking the heroine / hero's sister / bhabhi while she is sweeping the floor. She seldom dies, but always gets her come-uppance in the end when her husband, after years of ayurveda and yoga regains his lost vitality, insults her in public and forces her into submission.

Chudeil! Kide pade tere .....

Tere baap ke bheje huey iss sari ka too kya karegi. Chal, mujhe dey Ey Chudail, ab kaha se mooh kala karke aayee hain?

Aah Haa Haa, Maharani, waha baithey baithey kya kar rahi hain Arri Kalmoohi, Kaha mar gayi Eh Kulta, tere baap ne ab tak dahej ki rakam nahin chukayi .

Joke stories.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making: Father: "One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing." Son: "What do you mean, Dad?" Father: "Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prost.i.tute will tend to say,'Are you done yet?' On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, 'Are you done already?'" Son: "What do other women say?" father: "Well, a school teacher will say, 'We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!' A nurse will say, 'This won't hurt one bit.'" Son: "I thought they said, 'Pull down your pants and bend over.'" Father: "That's a male nurse. Moving on, a bank teller will say, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' A stewardess will say, 'Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.'" Son: "And what does mother say?" Father: "She says, 'Ohhhh tonight Harrrrryy?? I just spent $35 to have my hair done. Can't you wait till tomorrow?

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy Moses, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."