Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 9

Our body needs an optimum temperature of 37 degrees Celsius for digestive enzyme functioning. The temperature of cold soft drinks is very much below 37 degrees or even close to 0 degree C. This will dilute the enzymes & stress the digestive system.The food taken will not be digested.In fact it will be fermented! The fermented food produces gases,decays and becomes toxin, gets absorbed by the intestine, circulates in the blood stream and is carried to the whole body. Hence toxin is c.u.mulated in other parts of the body, developing into various diseases.

Think before you drink c.o.ke/Pepsi (or any soft drink)again. Have you ever thought what you drink when you drink an/aerated drink? You gulp down carbon dioxide, when n.o.body in the world would advise you to drink CO2.

Two months back, there was a compet.i.tion at Delhi University - Who could drink the most c.o.ke?" The winner drank 8 bottles and fainted on the spot-too much CO2 in the blood. , the princ.i.p.al banned all soft drinks from the college canteen ! While this might have been an extreme measure, the results do provide some food for thought.

Did you know that soft drinks use chemicals in them that cause immense harm to you. Someone put a broken tooth in a bottle of Pepsi and in 10 days it DISSOLVED! Can you believe it?

Teeth and bones are the only human parts that stay intact for years after death. Imagine what the drink must be doing to your soft intestines and stomach lining!

In India, people hesitate to pay Rs.7-8/- for a tender coconut but prefer to pay Rs. 12/- and drink these deadful products.

Engineering College : Place where you're punished for getting good HSC marks.

Senior : guys who got ragged as juniors and wanna get some payback...

Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...

Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.

Really Really Dumb fresher : guy who follows the senior to the canteen.

Ragging : the unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.

Evasive action : watch the juniors when any seniors come nearby. (No one runs faster than a fresher NO ONE.).

Babe : After two years in Engineering, anything remotely female qualifies for that t.i.tle.

Princ.i.p.al : Biggest idiot on campus. Unfortunately also the most powerful idiot on campus.

Lectures : waste of time..

Tutions : what you take when you don't waste enough time.

Professor : person paid to put students to sleep.

Practical : 60 to 90 minutes in which you discuss Pamela Anderson's a.s.sets, watch the girls do your experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array of lab equipment.

Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in your group (simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the equipment, and finally copy the readings. from the girls of course...).

Fear : what you feel when the prof who's signature you forged on the journal hesitates to turn the page...

Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper pa.s.ses and you flunk.

Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you attempted in the exam...

COMMERCIALS.

One day I met a friend of mine. He was a salesman for a Cola company, posted in the Middle East. Seeing him back home, I got surprised and asked, "Weren't you supposed to be in Arabia ?"

He gave his account thus.

"I got posted in the Middle East. I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem. I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through pictures. I made 3 posters First, A man crawling through the hot desert sand.. totally exhausted and panting. Second, The man is drinking our Cola. Third, Our man is now totally refreshed."

" Thats a very good ad", I said, "what can be a problem with that?"

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he pa.s.sed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circ.u.mstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak: "Tag! You're it!"

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the cla.s.s that his father eats light bulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'If you turn out the light, I'll lick that thing.'"

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

"Daddy, what is s.e.x?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

"Why did you ask that question, honey?"

"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fas.h.i.+onable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, s.e.x without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to s.e.x, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-s.h.i.+rts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or s.e.xual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless G.o.d of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter pa.s.sword, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.