Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 20

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear G.o.d! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?

A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?

A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?

A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'

Q. What if you try to freak out with somebody else's girlfriend and being kicked out?

A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?

A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?

A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?

A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?

A. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?

A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?

A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?

A. 'System out of tables.p.a.ce!'

Q. What if you need to go on a diet?

A. Invalid Body Size.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising alt.i.tude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY G.o.d!"

Silence. Then, the Captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" "That's nothing," said a pa.s.senger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"

WHY TEACHERS GO CRAZY.

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher.I'm eight today.

TEACHER : w.i.l.l.y, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

w.i.l.l.y : Me!

TEACHER : Are you chewing gum?

BILLY : No, I'm Billy Gum.

TEACHER : Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT : Yes, Sir.

TEACHER : And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT : Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER : Of course not.

HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER : Why are you late?

WEBSTER : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

WEBSTER : The one that says,"School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER : I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN : I hope you didn't either.

GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER : I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY : You can't fool me,Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA : A new bike.

TEACHER : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT : One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly) : You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT(sadly) : You don't know my father.

In a lighter moment this telegrams should be considered - no hard feeling !

Mis-understood Telegrams!