Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 22

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.

"What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner

Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

From job applicants.

# I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

# I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

# Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

# Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial inst.i.tutions.

# Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

# It's best for employers that I not work with people.

# I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

# I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

# I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

# I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

# Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

# Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

# Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.

# Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

# Finished eighth in my cla.s.s of ten.

Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Santa, Banta and Ghanta Singh were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down. Because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.

Santa Singh took the radiator, Banta Singh took the seat, and Ghanta took the door.

After walking for a while the Banta asked Santa, "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"

The Santa responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."

Santa then asked the Banta, "Why did you bring the seat?"

Banta replied, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."

Finally, both asked the Ghanta Singh why he had chosen the door.

Ghanta quickly responded to the question with a smile, "Well, when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in this heat all I have to do is roll down the window."

From: VJ ***********

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a cla.s.s of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the cla.s.s. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's a.n.u.s and licked it.

"Now you must do the same," he told the cla.s.s.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the cla.s.s did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's a.n.u.s, but licked my index finger?"

Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her husband!"