Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 31

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," said the mother.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!?!"

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Joke # 2: What would you do...

Two long-time friends were having lunch one day discussing their marriages.

"Brenda," asked Sue thoughtfully one day - "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with MY husband?!"

Brenda gives it some deep thought and says: 1: I'd break her cane.

2: Shoot her guide dog.

3: And call a cab to take her back to the inst.i.tution she escaped from!"

Joke # 1: This kid knows the answer...

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the cla.s.s of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

Yo Mama's... Ugly Yo mama's so ugly, she walked out of the pet store and the alarm went off.

Joke # 1: The down-and-out Blonde...

A blonde named Barbi finds herself in dire trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she is in serious financial trouble.

She is so desperate that she decides to ask G.o.d for help.

She begins to pray, "G.o.d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Barbi again prays, "G.o.d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Barbi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, "G.o.d, have you forgotten me?? I've lost my business, my home and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Barbi is confronted by the voice of G.o.d himself - "Barbi, meet me halfway on this... BUY A TICKET!!!"

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Joke # 2: The rich lawyer...

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls the lawyer...

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarra.s.sed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident?

She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarra.s.sed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

This the way to ask for increase of salary : > > One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one > of his employee > > ============================================= > Dear Bo$$, > A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ > come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing > mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of > u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice > to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond > $oon.

> Your$ $incerely, > $teven $oh > =============================================== > > The next day, the employee received this letter of reply : > Dear Steven, > I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has > changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing > NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's > leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into > aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things > may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

> Yours truly, > NOrman Tan > Manager.