Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 24

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

-- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

-- d.i.c.k Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

-- Dave Barry.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

-- F. P. Jones.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2. Advising the President.

3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

-- David Letterman.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

Laundry instructions on a s.h.i.+rt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

-- Salvador Dali.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of s.e.x, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have s.e.x with the authorities.

-- From "Basic s.e.x Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In h.e.l.l" by Matt Groening.

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

-- Kermit the Frog.

"Time flies like a rocket; fruit flies like a banana."

A woman walks into her s.e.x thearapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have s.e.x anymore, and asks what to do about it?

The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called v.i.a.g.r.a that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens

The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the v.i.a.g.r.a worked, and she and her husband had the best s.e.x ever.

She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know but says to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the s.e.x was even better than the night before.

She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try.

The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the s.e.x just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?

The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee.

A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave my MOTHER a bottle of v.i.a.g.r.a? Why yes young man I did, Why?

Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going, "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of was.h.i.+ng his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh, what was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

If you are in the USA ...............

> > >U don't open conversation(on telephone)with a "h.e.l.lo" but with a "Hi"

> >The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".

> >U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".

> >U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".

> >U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.

> >U never have a "office" tel. no., U have a "work" no.

> >U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".

> >U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".

> >Your tyre never "punctures", U may have a "flat".

> >The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' .,.no more ! but "carriages" or "boxes".

> >There are no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".

> >"I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.

> >U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy > >U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb, rather flickit up.

> >U don't "turn on the heat", U "turn on the juice".

> >There's no "Business Area" ... only "business districts",and no "districts" but "counties".

> >No one stays "a stone's throw away", rather "a few blocksaway".

> >There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".

> >In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", > >rather ask for "check" and pay with "bill"s ( dollar ).

> >There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".

> >Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".

> >U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".

> >U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r b.u.t.t off".

> >Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it > >and "glue" the stamps, don't stick" them.

> >U no longer live in "flats" , U live in "apartments".

> >U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".

> >no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.

> >"#" is not "hash", it's "pound".

> >U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing".

> >U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".

> >U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".

> >U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".

> >U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.

> >U never "joke", U just "kid".

> >U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.

> >U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an "Eraser".