Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 4

So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home with this guys advice in mind.

When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair and going nuts. After about fifteen minutes of this, he stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.

As he enters the shower, his wife is exiting the bathroom. Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the h.e.l.l are you doing here?"

His wife replied, "Hus.h.!.+ You'll wake up my mother."

Huge Mascular Man.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Jesus in a Bar.

An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender.

"Yes it is," the bartender replies. "Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman responds. They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a gla.s.s of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.

The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a gla.s.s of Chianti too," the Italian offers. Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that G.o.d's little boy? Get him a cold one too."

Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.

He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.

Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.

Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.

"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"

Loaded Gentlemen.

The two loaded gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.

"I've an idea." said one, "lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls,"

"Naw," replied the other. "I've got more than I can handle at home."

"Great ! " replied the idea man, " then lesh have one more drink and go up to your place,"

Long Time at Sea.

Two s.h.i.+p captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these d.a.m.n sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the s.h.i.+p. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the s.h.i.+p. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the s.h.i.+p clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the s.h.i.+p happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick b.a.s.t.a.r.d," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you pa.s.sed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

Magic Bitter.

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."

She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter is it?"

He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.

She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.

So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.

The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real b.a.s.t.a.r.d when you've been drinking"

Mark Hunt.

Anybody has seen the Scottish film "Trainspotting"?

One of the guys in the film want to make fun with a girl serving at the bar - he phones her and asks for Mr. Hunt, could he come to the phone? "What's his first name?" "It's Mark, his first name is Mark, second name is Hunt".

And she yells to the people in the pub: "'is anybody in here seen Mark Hunt?"

"No, sis, but we'd love to!!!" sounds the answer from her audience.

Name Your p.e.n.i.s.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your p.e.n.i.s?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your p.e.n.i.s. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your p.e.n.i.s?" The man to his left, with a smile, looks back and says, "'Timex.'"

The Thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your p.e.n.i.s?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "'Ford', because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his p.e.n.i.s. He turns to The bartender and exclaims, "The name of my p.e.n.i.s is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"

The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"