Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 6

"Is it true you're a prost.i.tute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a s.h.i.+ny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the h.e.l.l. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete s.e.xual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building."I paid cash for that building with the money I made on b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints — twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some p.u.s.s.y?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a p.u.s.s.y, I'd own Manhattan!"

The Bet Maker.

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.

The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."

The guy takes his gla.s.s eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a gla.s.s eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 gla.s.s eyes. OK, your on!"

The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.

With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!"

Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar pa.s.ses out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could p.i.s.s all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The WIFE.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a d.i.n.k.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, f.u.c.k, Etc."

This is a Stick Up.

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with aski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a b.l.o.w.j.o.b!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, d.a.m.n it! One of my friends might walk in!"

Three b.a.l.l.s.

A man who was very depressed met his friend Jerry J., who was a very sharp thinker.

"What's the matter'" Jerry J. asked.

"I'm despondent. I can't adjust to the fact that I've got three b.a.l.l.s."

"Three b.a.l.l.s'" said sharp Jerry. "Kid, we can make a fortune together!"

"How?" asked the other fellow, brightening up.

"We'll go to the bar after bar and bet everybody around that between you and the bartender you've got five b.a.l.l.s! It can't miss!"

"Let's go," said the man.

So they went into the first bar, and Jerry J. made friends with the strangers at the bar. Then he made the announcement: "I'll bet anybody in the place that between my friend here and the bartender they've got five b.a.l.l.s."

Nearly everyone rushed forward to cover the bet.

Jerry looked at the bartender who was shaking his head.

"You don't mind being part of the wager, do you?" Jerry asked.

"Not at all," the bartender said. "I'm very impressed.

"How do you mean?" Jerry asked.

"Well, up to now I've never met a man with four b.a.l.l.s. I've only got one."

Three Ducks in the Bar.

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.