Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 17

New Words.

A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?"

"Sure" his mother said, "Just tell me what they are."

The little boy replied "p.u.s.s.y and b.i.t.c.h."

His mother said "No problem. A p.u.s.s.y is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a b.i.t.c.h is a female dog, like our Sandy."

The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working.

"Dad" he began "Today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?"

"Sure" his father replied "What are the words?" "p.u.s.s.y and b.i.t.c.h" the boy replied.

His father said "I thought I told you any time you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she cant handle it."

With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Playboy magazine, and a Magic Marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. "Son" he began "everything inside this circle is a p.u.s.s.y."

"Okay, his son said, "but what is a b.i.t.c.h."

His father said "Everything outside this circle"

Obese Lady.

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her b.u.t.t is 'that' wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarra.s.sed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."

The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.

The lady's pager begins to go off.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

Pedophile.

A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.

The man asks, "why are you leaving?" she replies "word around the neighborhood is that you're a pedophile."

He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.

Plating a Truck Driver.

Billy (age 5) is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game Billy starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then moves down a step. Eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step. When Billy gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts over.

Inside the house Billy's mother is watching him. She sticks her head out the window and asks Billy what he's doing.

Billy replies, "Mommy I'm playing Truck Driver."

Confused by the answer she has Billy explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver.

Billy replies, "I'm popping pills, eating p.u.s.s.y and movin on!!"

Potential and Reality.

A kid comes home from school with a writing a.s.signment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "OmiG.o.d! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two s.l.u.ts."

Show & Tell a.s.signment.

A Kindergarten teacher gave her cla.s.s the Show & Tell a.s.signment of bringing something to represent their religion.

The first little boy went to the front of the room: "My name is Benjamin. I'm Jewish and this the Star of David."

The second little boy also spoke from the front: "My name is Thomas. I'm Catholic and this is the Crucifix."

The third little boy: "My name is Bobby. I'm Baptist and this is a ca.s.serole."

Soldiers in your Cup.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Son and Dad Letters.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your Son.

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a n.o.ble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad