Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 19

The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."

Two Brothers.

There were two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, who shared a room.

One day, the older brother and the younger brother agreed they were old enough to start cursing. "When we go downstairs," the older one instructed, "I'm gonna say 'h.e.l.l' and you can say 'a.s.s'."

The four-year-old agreed. They went downstairs and their mother asked, "What do want for breakfast?"

"Aw h.e.l.l", the seven-year old said, "I'll just take some Cheerios."

The mother promptly slapped him and sent him to his room.

At this point, the four-year-old was getting intimidated, "And what do you want?" the mother asked.

"I don't know," the younger one said, "but you can bet your a.s.s it's not going to be Cheerios."

Two Young Brothers.

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.

The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is G.o.d?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is G.o.d?"

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is G.o.d?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. G.o.d is missing and they think we did it!!!"

What is G.o.d.

A boy says to his mother, "Mom, is G.o.d a man or a woman?"

The mom thinks a while and says, "Well, son, G.o.d is both a man and a woman!"

The son is confused, so he asks, "Is G.o.d black or white?"

The mother replies, "G.o.d is both black and white, honey."

The son, still curious, says after a while, "Is G.o.d gay or straight, mommy?"

The mother, getting a little worried, answers, "Son, G.o.d is both gay and straight."

The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally has answered his question: "Is G.o.d Michael Jackson?"

What Johnny Saw.

I young female teacher was giving an a.s.signment to her sixth grade cla.s.s one day. It was a large a.s.signment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the cla.s.s. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my cla.s.sroom," she yelled, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to t.i.tle the a.s.signment; she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yelled, "Get out of my cla.s.sroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarra.s.sed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the cla.s.sroom.

"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

What's Daddy for.

"Mummy, where do babies come from? "The stork, dear."

"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" "The police, dear."

"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?" "The fire department, dear."

"Mummy, where does food come from?" "Farmers, dear."

"Mummy?" "Yes, dear?" "What do we need Daddy for?"

Wrong Grip.

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old grandson.

In the middle of the night grandpa woke up and shouted, "Quick! Get me a woman...FAST!!"

The grandson moaned "Please, grandpa, calm down. First, it's three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old. And third, it's my d.i.c.k you're holding."

11th Commandment.

Last week, G.o.d, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger Gabriel had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States' inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.

The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Bill and Jerry.