Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 20

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen wh.o.r.e than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".

Bill Clinton's Clock.

* A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon pa.s.sing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged"

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock"

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

Box Under the Bed.

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Clinton and the Pope in Heaven.

On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to h.e.l.l.

IN h.e.l.l: The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with G.o.d.

Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.

The Pope: Worry not, my son.

24 hours later: Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here The Pope: Sure thing.

On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.

The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.

Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

Clinton in a French Restaurant.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks, "Le cafe"?

All of them answer, "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedilo, "Le tequila?"

Zedilo answers, "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"

Yelstin answers, "Oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whiskey?"

Clinton answers, "PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THAT b.i.t.c.h !!!"

Clinton in Heaven II.

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate --approached the gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton"

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital s.e.x -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 's.e.xual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'h.e.l.l.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Clinton in h.e.l.l.

Clinton dies and goes to h.e.l.l...

The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.

"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.

Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.

They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.

They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "b.a.s.t.a.r.d" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.

They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh h.e.l.lllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"

"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.

So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unb.u.t.ton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Clinton in State Dinner Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner, when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse, until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Pa.s.sing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of pa.s.sing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pa.s.s out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."