Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 34

"No thanks," he replied, "I'm only after one thing."

"Typical male," she said to herself as he walked away.

Coming home from work, a man pa.s.sed a s.e.x shop and on impulse went in and bought a blow-up doll. He couldn't wait to get home to try it out but when he pumped her up, she just went flat again. The next day the man went back to the s.e.x shop and demanded to see the manager.

"So what exactly was wrong with the doll?" he asked.

"I'll tell you what," he replied angrily. "As soon as I'd blown her up, she went down on me."

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," exclaimed the manager. "If I'd known that I'd have charged you twice as much!"

The man was approached by the most beautiful sales girl he had ever seen.

"Can I help you, Sir," she said. "What would you like?"

"What would I like...?" he mused. "I would like to take you away from all this. We would go to the most elegant restaurant in town, linger over the port and then head back to my place for soft lights, sweet music and mad pa.s.sionate love."

He sighed, "That's what I'd like, but what I need is a new s.h.i.+rt."

A gay man walked into a s.e.x shop and pointed to a large black p.e.n.i.s behind the counter.

"I'll have that one please," he said.

"OK, sir, shall I wrap it up or just put it in a bag?"

"Neither," replied the man, "I'll just eat it right now."

A woman went into a s.e.x shop and asked the a.s.sistant for a vibrator.

Wagging his finger at her, he said, "Come this way."

She replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."

SMALL TALK.

The little boy's mother had been away for a week's conference and on returning she asked her son how he'd been.

"OK," said Ben. "Except there was dreadful thunder and lightning on Tuesday night so me and Daddy snuggled up in the same bed."

"You mean Daddy and I," said his young nanny.

"Oh no," said the boy, "that was Wednesday night, don't you remember?"

When Samantha was expecting twins she interrupted a burglary and got shot twice in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were delivered safely but the bullets were never recovered. Seventeen years went by, when one day her daughter came to her in great distress.

"Oh mum, I just been to do a wee and all of a sudden, out popped a bullet."

Samantha told her it was nothing to worry about and explained what had happened all those years ago. A little later she caught sight of her son, sitting down with his head in his hands. She went up to him, put her arms round his shoulders and said, "Don't worry, I think I can guess what happened. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out."

"Oh no, mum, it wasn't like that. I was having a w.a.n.k and I shot the dog."

It was an idyllic scene. Little old Grandma was sitting in her rocking chair, knitting a jumper for her granddaughter. On the floor in front of her chair sat her two beautiful grandchildren, quietly looking at some picture books. All of a sudden, the children turned to Grandma, saying, "Oh Grandma, please tell us a story. We love your stories, please, please!"

"Well ... I don't know," replied Grandma. "I'm a bit tired."

"Oh please, Grandma, tell us our favourite story about when you were a wh.o.r.e in Liverpool."

As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and a man leans across, saying, "h.e.l.lo, let me give you a lift home."

"No thanks," she says firmly and heads on up the road.

The car follows and again the man speaks to her.

"Come on, get in, I've bought you a comic."

"No, I don't want to," she cries and starts to run.

The car catches her up again and the man says, "Look, it's starting to rain, you're going to get so wet if you don't get in."

"How many times do I have to say no?" she screams. "It was your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn't mean I have to ride in it, Dad."

"Grandpa, have you got your own football?" asked his grandson. Puzzled, Grandpa replied, "No, Billy, I don't play football anymore, why do you ask?"

"Because I heard Dad say that when you kicked it, we'd all be able to afford a good holiday."

During Sunday school, Tracy turned to her teacher and said, "Please Miss, I've found out where G.o.d lives."

"Really!" smiled the teacher. "Where does he live?"

"At number 12 Beech Street."

"How do you know that?"

"Yesterday, I was pa.s.sing it on the way to school and I heard a woman from the upstairs bedroom shouting "Oh G.o.d, Oh G.o.d..."

A little boy ran into his mother's room crying hysterically.

"I don't want my w.i.l.l.y any more," he sobbed, "it's bad to have one."

"Don't be silly, darling," she replied. "Of course it's not bad, why do you say that?"

"Because I've just seen daddy in the bathroom and he's trying to pull his off."

"Daddy, daddy," cried little Tom, "please come and look, my p.u.s.s.y cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won't move."

a.s.suming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look.

"I'm sorry, son, I'm afraid Tiddles is dead."

Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat's feet were sticking up in the air.

Quick as a flash, dad replied, "That's so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven."

A few days later, dad came home from work to find Tom crying in the garden.

"What's happened, Tom?" he asked.

"It's mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor p.u.s.s.y cat!"

"How can that be?" asked dad aghast.

"I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting 'I'm coming, I'm coming!' Oh daddy, if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by Jesus."

A little boy went shopping with his mother and when she began trying some clothes on in the fitting room, he remarked, "You've got big balloons, mum."

"That's not the right word for them" she replied. "Why do you call them that?"

"Because yesterday I saw daddy blowing up the au pair's."

Mrs Primly is walking down the village street when she sees young Emily pulling a cow by a rope.

"Goodness me," she utters. "What on earth are you doing with that?"

"I'm taking it to the bull," she replies.

"The bull! What a thing to ask a young girl, can't your dad do it?"

"Oh no," replies the girl, "it has to be the bull."

A family went on holiday to the coast and wandered accidentally onto a nudist beach. The little boy ran off to play but returned a few minutes later, saying, "Mummy, mummy, I've just seen some women with b.o.o.bs much much bigger than yours."

Mummy replied, "Son, the bigger they are, the more stupid the women."

The little boy went off again but soon came running back.

"Mummy, mummy, I've just seen some men with much bigger w.i.l.l.i.e.s than daddy has."

As before, mummy replied, "The bigger they are, the more stupid the men."

Five minutes went past and the little boy came back very excited. "Mummy, mummy, I've just seen daddy talking to the most stupid lady I've ever seen, and as he was talking to her, he started to get more and more stupid as well."

"Daddy," said the serious little girl. "May I have a computer for Christmas please?"

"I'm sorry, darling, not at the moment, your mum and I have a pile of heavy bills and our new car is costing us heaps of money each month."

The following spring, the little girl asked her father again for a computer but he repeated what he had told her before. A week later, early in the morning, daddy saw his daughter leaving the house with a suitcase in her hand.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm leaving," said the little girl. "Last night I was walking past your room when I heard you telling Mum you were pulling out and I heard her telling you to wait because she was coming too. So there's no way I'm staying here to cope with all the bills."

Down the street, a young girl walked into her parents'

bedroom to find her mother astride her father. To cover any embarra.s.sment they told her they were playing a game.

"Can I join in?" she asked.

"Of course."