Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 29

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Religious Minister in Heaven.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sungla.s.ses, a loud s.h.i.+rt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Rented Tuxedo.

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Reset the Trap.

Goldstein and his wife are on a Caribbean cruise, when a huge wave sweeps Mrs. Goldstein overboard. A search doesn't find her body.

Goldstein, heartbroken, returns to New York.

A few weeks later, he gets a cable " We have located your wife's body. Also found a huge pearl, three inches in diameter, formed in her v.a.g.i.n.a. Please instruct."

Goldstein cables back: "Send me the pearl, and reset the trap."

Royal Flush.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one s.p.a.ce left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones G.o.d ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of G.o.d's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Sara Pipalini.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

She'll be Missed.

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh h.e.l.l no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The d.a.m.n fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.

Smiling Corpses.

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having oral s.e.x with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in h.e.l.l was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."