Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 33

Girl with Big t.i.ts.

In high school, I dated a girl with big t.i.ts, but there was no pa.s.sion. So I decided I needed a pa.s.sionate girl.

In college, I dated a pa.s.sionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

So I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big t.i.ts.

Humorous Professor.

There was an old professor who started every cla.s.s with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the cla.s.s decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, cla.s.s. Did you hear the one about the shortage of wh.o.r.es in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

I like the Way You're Thinking.

Little Johnny was sitting in cla.s.s doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

It Pays to Advertise.

A subst.i.tute teacher walks into the cla.s.sroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole d.a.m.n school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the subst.i.tute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and, written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."

Making Faces.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."

Math Homework.

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h is four." "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's cla.s.sroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the cla.s.s.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Moral of the Story.

A second grade teacher was teaching her cla.s.s the meaning of the phrase, "moral of the story". As she was done explaining, she asked if anybody could give her an example.

Little Jeffrey shot his hand up and said he had and example.

"My dad is a farmer and he showed me one morning how the first birds to wake up could get the earthworms that were crawling around. By the time the rest of the birds woke up, all the worms were gone.The moral of the story is the early bird gets the worm."

The teacher smiled and congratulated little Jeffrey. She asked if anyone else had an example.

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last week, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. And the moral is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

The teacher congratulated Lucy as well and asked again if anyone else had an example.

Little Johnny stuck his hand up in the air and was called upon to give his example. "My Uncle Ted fought in 'Nam and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped before the crash, but could take only a bottle of scotch, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the bottle of scotch. He landed in the middle of 100 Viet Cong soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but he ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher was a little shocked, but asked what the moral could be.

Johnny said, "Don't f.u.c.k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Motivated to Learn Math.

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."