Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 41

One man turned to the other and said, "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?" The other one said, "I think so, but what the h.e.l.l was she wearing?"

The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needs ironing!"

Old Lady Driver.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Patrol Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit, I always do exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarra.s.sed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 189."

Oldie.

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm s.e.xually fit", he says to the doctor.

"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your s.e.x organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

Problem.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral s.e.x, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relations.h.i.+p. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Senior's Honeymoon.

He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the Hotel room, she slips into something s.e.xy and crawlsinto bed and waits for her new groom.

He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits ... and waits ...'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She asks, "Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles. "I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how the dampness affects my arthritis."

Stiff Neck.

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no s.h.i.+rt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

3 Old Men.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I c.r.a.p like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I donut wake up until nine."

Three Old Timers.

Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting.

The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting.

The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could." The old man paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong d.a.m.n room!"

Trying to Make Him Puke.

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunks a.s.s.

A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what there doing. "What the h.e.l.l are you doing with your finger up his a.s.s?" yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his a.s.s", the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.