Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 36

Old Joe only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family - his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger.

"Em, tell me please, I've always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?"

Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son.

"Oh thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply.

"Thank heaven he didn't ask about the other three."

A man takes the afternoon off work and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife lying on the bed, naked and out of breath.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"I think I'm having an asthma attack," she gasps.

He rushes to the phone to ring for a doctor when his son runs in.

"Daddy, daddy, Uncle Bill is in the wardrobe and he's got no clothes on."

"What!" shouts the man, and back up the stairs he rushes to find his brother hiding naked in the wardrobe.

"Why, you b.l.o.o.d.y prat," he shouts angrily, "there's my wife having a severe asthma attack and all you can do is play hide and seek and scare the kids!"

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

"2,000 sir."

"Never!" exclaimed the man, "That's unbelievably expensive."

"That's true," replied the a.s.sistant, but this is not just any antique kitchen table, this piece of furniture has special powers."

"Get away! Show me."

The a.s.sistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?"

Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building.

The man wasn't totally convinced.

"OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet."

The question was asked and the table jumped up and down eleven times.

"That's incredible," said the man. "It's true, I've got two 5 notes and a loose 1 coin. I must have that table."

So the man paid 2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the piece of new purchase.

"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you." He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?"

The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later.

"But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?" he said, flabbergasted.

Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor.

"Doctor, doctor, I'm having trouble with my todger, can you do anything for me?" said the distressed man.

After a thorough examination the doctor told him that he must have been so s.e.xually active in the past that he'd almost worn it out. The fact is that he'd only got the use of it for another 25 s.h.a.gs. The young man went home to his wife and told her what the doctor had said.

"Oh no!" she cried, "We mustn't waste any of them, we'll have to draw up a carefully planned timetable."

"I've already done that," he said, "on the way home, and there isn't a slot left for you."

The couple had been married a year when the husband was called away on business on the other side of the country. It would mean he would be away for a month so the wife's friend moved in to keep her company. As it happened, the job finished earlier than expected so he jumped on a plane and on landing rang his wife from the airport. Her friend answered the phone to say that Tracy was in the bath.

"OK, can you tell her I'll be there about midnight so if she can wear something sheer and s.e.xy we'll make it a night to remember."

"OK," said the friend, "and who shall I say called?"

The old farmer married a young girl of 18 and after a few months of idyllic married life, he went to see his doctor.

"The problem is I'm having to work many hours on the farm but I have to keep breaking off when I get the urge, to run back to the house, jump into bed and do the business. Then it's back to work, and it's knackering me."

The doctor suggested that his wife should come to see him out in the fields.

"Every time you get the urge," said the doctor, "fire a shot from your gun to let your wife know you're waiting for her.

A few months pa.s.sed and then the doctor met the old farmer in the high street.

"How's the shotgun plan working?" he asked.

"Oh it was very good at first, but then the duck shooting season started and I haven't seen her since," he replied sadly.

The man rang his wife to tell her he had the afternoon off and would be coming home. The phone was answered by a small boy.

"h.e.l.lo son, can I speak to mum?"

"No," said the boy, "mum's in bed with the milkman and they've told me to stay downstairs."

The man was stunned by the news but after a moment or two he said to the boy, "Son, go and get my shotgun from the garage, load it with two bullets and go and blast them."

After an agonising 10 minutes the little boy came back onto the phone.

"I've done it, dad," he said.

"Well done, son, I'll finish off when I get back. Go and have a swim in the pool to clean yourself up and I'll see you later."

"But dad, we don't have a pool," said the boy.

"What! Hold on, is that 0397 46461?"

After months of trying, the Office Manager finally managed to persuade his beautiful secretary to come out to dinner with him. Afterwards they went back to her flat and after some coffee and a little foreplay, they jumped into bed. Alas, no matter how hard he tried, he could not get an erection and full of apologies and acute embarra.s.sment, he went home. He got into bed next to his big, fat ugly wife who was snoring her head off and as his body touched her naked flesh, he got a huge erection. Jumping out of bed he looked down at his swollen organ and said sadly, "Now I know why they call you a p.r.i.c.k."

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man.

"Who the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l is this?" he shouts angrily.

"Good question," she replies. "Say, lover, what's your name?"

A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man. The man's head was lying between the wife's voluptuous b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"What the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l are you doing?" shouted the husband.

"Listening to some good music," replied the man calmly.

"Get off, let me hear", but when the husband put his head between her b.r.e.a.s.t.s he couldn't hear anything.

"Of course not," replied the man arrogantly. "You're not plugged in."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband open the front door.

"Quick!" she whispered urgently, "It's my husband, hide in the wardrobe."

"Ooh, it's dark in here," said a little voice.

"Who's that?" gasped the man.

"That's my mum you've been with and I'm going to call my dad."

"Now, now, son, not so hasty. I'm sure we can work this out."

"OK," said the small boy. "But it's going to cost you."

"How about 5?"

"I'm going to call dad."

"Well, 10 then."

"I'm going to call dad."

"OK, let's say 20."

"No, 30."

"Well, that's all I've got, here you are." The man handed over the money and made his escape when the coast was clear.

A few days later mum took the little boy to church and as she knelt to pray he wandered off and crept into the confessional.

"Ooh, it's dark in here," he said.

"Oh no, don't start that again," replied the agitated priest.

The little boy's mum had shaved off all her pubic hair, ready to wear her skimpy bikini when they went on holiday.

"Where's all your hair gone?" asked her son.

"I've lost my sponge," she replied dismissively and told him to go out to play. Sometime later he returned with a big smile on his face.

"Mummy, mummy, am I a good boy for finding your sponge?"

Puzzled, mum asked him where it was and he answered her proudly, "The lady across the road is was.h.i.+ng daddy's face with it."

Sat.u.r.day morning was the time for all the milk accounts to be settled and the task of collecting the money fell to a young man who accompanied the milkman. Number 47 Lansdowne Road was opened by a bored and lonely woman who suggested that instead of paying the 6 bill, she might pay him in s.e.x. The young man agreed, stepped inside and they went into a back room. As she removed her clothes, he dropped his trousers to reveal the biggest todger she'd ever seen. But as she watched, he took a number of washers out of his pocket and slipped them over his ma.s.sive hardware.

"You don't have to do that," she said, "I can take anything you can give me."

"Maybe," he replied, "but not for a small bill of just 6."

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.