Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 37

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night," she sobbed.

"Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes," and with that he went over to the wardrobe. "See here, there's the nice pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow c.o.c.ktail dress, hi there Tom, the green silk gown..."

The simple man was beside himself with anger when he discovered his wife in bed with another man.

"How could you?" he yelled, and taking a gun out of the bottom drawer of the bedside table he placed it to his head and c.o.c.ked the trigger.

"Don't Jim, please don't," sobbed the woman, "put the gun down."

Jim replied angrily, "Shut up and start saying your prayers, you're next."

Two men were talking over the garden fence when the fire station's alarm went off. Immediately, Jack bid his mate goodbye and headed for the gate.

"Heh Jack," his mate shouted out to him, "how long have you been a volunteer fireman?"

"I'm not," replied Jack, "but my lover's husband is."

King John was off to the crusades, but before he left, he told his faithful servant that he would leave with him the key of his wife's chast.i.ty belt for safe keeping.

"If you don't hear from me within five years, you can let her out," he said.

The King set off, but he'd only been gone an hour when his trusty servant caught up with him.

"Sire, Sire," he panted. "You gave me the wrong key!"

An old man was very sad because he had mislaid his favourite hat, so on impulse, he decided to steal one from the church vestibule when morning service was on.

Unfortunately, the verger walked in just as he was about to commit the deadly deed, so he was forced to attend the service. Later, as he came out, he stopped to talk to the vicar.

"Thank you very much for that wonderful sermon on the ten commandments. I had intended to steal a hat but after listening to what you had to say, I decided against it."

"Well, that makes my job worthwhile," beamed the vicar. "I suppose it was the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal'

which stopped you stealing the hat?"

"Oh no, vicar. It was the one which said 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'. As soon as you mentioned it, I remembered where I had left my hat."

A man returned home early from work to discover his wife in bed with a naked man. "How dare you!" he bellowed.

"Come here you b.a.s.t.a.r.d, I'll teach you a lesson you won't forget."

"Now wait a minute, Tom," interrupted his wife. "You remember that new car I got last spring? Well, he gave it to me. And that smas.h.i.+ng holiday we went on, well, he paid for that. And I think we could do with a new roof on the house soon."

"Whatever are you thinking of?" replied the husband. "He'll get cold if you don't cover him up, and I'm sure he could do with a nice cup of tea."

SMART REMARKS.

Did you hear about the two cannibals who caught a clown?

As they began eating it, one said to the other, "Hey, wait a minute, do you taste something funny?"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

So the sheep won't hear the zip.

A bad football team is like an old bra.

No cups and very little support.

What have a diamond ring and David Beckham got in common?

Both come in a posh box.

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

Nice t.i.ts, sweetheart.

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

What's the difference between a c.o.c.kerel and a nympho- maniac?

The c.o.c.kerel says "c.o.c.k-a-doodle-do" while the nymphomaniac cries "Any c.o.c.k'll do!"

What does a woman have when she's got two little b.a.l.l.s in her hand?

The man's undivided attention.

Why are men more clever than dogs?

So they won't hump women's legs at dinner parties.

What's the definition of female masturbation?

Finis.h.i.+ng the job off properly.

Why is it so difficult for women to find caring, sensitive men?

They already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between an egg and a w.a.n.k?

You can beat an egg.

What's the difference between a woman and a fast food chicken take-away?

Once you've had the breast and leg all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

What's the definition of a yankee?

It's like a quickie, only you can do it yourself.

What's the difference between like and love?

Spit and swallow.

A dangerous lunatic escaped from the mental inst.i.tution and raped a laundry woman before making his escape.

The headline in the local paper read, "Nut screws washer and bolts."

Old saying: "Fighting for peace is like f.u.c.king for virginity."

What's the difference between a vulture and your mother-in- law?

A vulture waits until you're dead.

Why do firemen have bigger b.a.l.l.s than policemen?

They sell more tickets.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows, it's never happened.

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac who robbed a bank?

She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Old proverb: Girls who look for trouble often get a belly full.

Is it true that if mini skirts get any shorter, women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, and a little more hair to comb?