Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 38

Wise old saying: Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.

Words of wisdom from a philosopher: "It all comes down to the same thing in the end. Live life like a dog. If you can't eat it or f.u.c.k it, then p.i.s.s on it."

Old saying: May your organ never quit while you are halfway through your favourite piece.

A bloke walked into the pub and was astounded at the sight of the barman. He was built like a brick s.h.i.+thouse with muscles bulging out all over, tattoos everywhere, unshaven and sweaty.

After a moment or two the barman became aware of the looks he was getting and said, "What the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l are you looking at?"

"Sorry, mate, it's just that you look just like someone I know.

You're almost identical...if it wasn't for the moustache..."

"But I haven't got a moustache," said the barman.

"No, but my wife has."

What's the difference between a p.e.n.i.s and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's d.i.c.k.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have b.o.l.l.o.c.ks.

Why are wives like condoms?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on the end of your d.i.c.k.

What's the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What's the first thing a nymphomaniac learns when she starts taking driving lessons?

You can also sit up in a car.

What's the difference between Mm-m and Ahhh?

About 3 inches.

Why don't women like having s.e.x with an SAS man?

They slip in and out unnoticed.

Why do married women have so many wrinkles?

It's from squinting up their eyes and saying, "Pull what?"

Said the art critic to the flasher: "Well hung, good show, Sir."

Girls, the best way to drive your fella mad is to smile in your sleep.

"h.e.l.lo, I'm a little stiff from rugby."

"No problem, it doesn't matter where you come from," she replied.

"Hey, Loser!" shouted the gang of boys. "What's the difference between your sister and a Rolls-Royce?"

"None of us have been in a Rolls-Royce."

Did you hear about the man who had over 150 dogs in his house?

The doctor told him to stop whistling in his sleep.

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?

They both contain something stiff, but one's coming while the other's going.

One of the greatest mysteries that men cannot solve is why, when they get drunk, someone creeps into their bedroom in the middle of the night, vomits all down their clothes and pees in the wardrobe.

How can a weak wally make his girlfriend laugh?

By showing her his tackle.

What do men have in their underpants that women don't want on their faces?

Wrinkles.

Life is like a bed of roses...full of p.r.i.c.ks.

What did the fat girl say to the fat boy?

Thanks for the tip.

You can tell Samantha enjoyed herself when she was alive.

They had to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin.

Why do estate agents' wives always get on top?

Because estate agents always f.u.c.k up.

What do you get if you cross a rooster with a badly trained dog?

A c.o.c.k that doesn't come.

What is the difference between 365 days in a year and 365 condoms?

One's a good year and the other's a f.u.c.king good year.

A lady is a woman who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and only curses when it slips out.

Words of wisdom: The most vulnerable area for goalkeepers is between their legs.

What's the similarity between a p.e.n.i.s and Rubik's cube?

They both get harder the longer you play with them.

It has just been announced that women no longer have to risk the dangers of breast enlargement.

Doctors have just discovered a way of making men's hands smaller.

What do you call it when an Englishman's girlfriend has an o.r.g.a.s.m?

A miracle.

Did you hear about the wally who tried to commit rape?

He tied his victim's legs together so she couldn't run away.

Wise men say it wasn't the apple that caused all the trouble in the Garden of Eden. It was the pair on the ground!

An ageing old rook was talking to a bull in a field.