Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 39

"I wish I could fly to the top of that tree, but these days, I just haven't got the energy," he said sadly.

"I've got an idea," replied the bull. "If you eat part of my droppings you'll get extra energy because they're packed with minerals and vitamins."

So the rook did as he suggested and each day ate part of the bull's droppings. Sure enough, after a couple of weeks, the rook felt so revived he soared to the top of the tree and proudly surveyed the surrounding countryside. However, he was spotted by a farmer who immediately got hold of his shotgun and killed the bird stone-dead.

"Oh dear," sighed the bull. "I should have warned him. Bull s.h.i.+t may get you to the top, but it doesn't mean you'll stay there."

"Hi, do you know the difference between a c.o.c.ksucker and a ham sandwich?"

"No."

"Great. How about coming over for lunch tomorrow?"

There are three words to make a man hit rock bottom.

"Is it in?"

Did you hear about the man who so hated his mother-in-law that he cut the tail off the dog so there would be no visible signs of welcome!

A man went for a meal in a kosher restaurant and said to the waiter, "Excuse me, do you have matzob.a.l.l.s?"

"No sir," he replied. "It's just the way I walk."

What do good time girls have written on their underwear?

"Next."

THE GRa.s.s IS ALWAYS GREENER.

Three men were sitting on a bench high on a cliff overlooking the sea when one of them spotted an old bottle hidden in some undergrowth. He pulled it out, undid the cork and a genie appeared.

"I will grant each of you one wish," he said. "You will fling yourself off the cliff calling out whatever you would like and you will land in a boat full of that wish."

So the first man jumped off and shouted "Money" and sure enough he landed in a boat full of 50 notes.

The second man jumped off and shouted "Beautiful girls"

and sure enough he landed in a boat of beautiful girls.

Then it was the turn of the third man who was a bit simple and had forgotten what he was supposed to do. He took a flying leap off the cliff and as he went down he shouted "Whee!"

A Scotsman was walking on the mountainside when he spotted a bottle hidden in the heather. It had a cork in the top and as he pulled it out a genie appeared.

"Oh thank you, thank you," said the genie. "I'm free at last and I will grant you three wishes."

"Well, er..." pondered the Scotsman. "I'd like the biggest bottle of whisky you can give me."

Whoosh, a 5 litre bottle of the finest whisky appeared before him and he spent the next couple of hours gulping it down.

Amazingly, when it was empty it automatically filled itself up again.

"I can't believe my eyes," gasped the Scotsman.

"Well, you're seeing right," said the genie, "every time you empty the bottle it will automatically fill up. Now what would you like for your other 2 wishes?"

"Oh that's easy, I'll have another two of the same, please!"

Have you ever wondered why men like to go fis.h.i.+ng?

It's the only time they'll hear someone say to them, "Goodness, that is a big one."

A man walked into the chemist's shop and demanded his money back.

"The ointment you sold me to make my w.i.l.l.y bigger doesn't work," he complained angrily. "I did exactly as the instructions said which was to rub it in."

"Oh I see your problem," replied the chemist. "You didn't read the small print which says it has to be rubbed in by a woman between the ages of 18-30."

A man found an old lamp on the sea sh.o.r.e and as he picked it up, a genie appeared.

"You have one wish," said the genie. "What would you like?"

After thinking for a moment he replied, "I've always been a bit lacking in the nether regions, do you think I could have a bigger w.i.l.l.y?"

"Your wish is granted."

The man walked on and as the minutes went by he realised his w.i.l.l.y was getting longer and longer - down to the knees, down to the ankles...

The man chased back up the beach to find the genie.

"Excuse me," he said, "could have another wish?"

"What's that?" replied the genie.

"Do you think you could give me longer legs?"

"Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.

"I've been sacked," he told his wife.

"After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a torch.

And the awful thing is," he continued, "I can't fault it. It can do everything I can do, and do it better, and it will never wear out!"

Bob looked up for comfort but his wife had gone. She was down the shops looking to buy one.

A man walks into a chemist and says to the pharmacist, "I'm entertaining 4 girls tonight so I need something to keep me going - I don't want to go soft on them."

"I have just the thing here," replies the pharmacist and he gives the man a small bottle of pills marked "super strength".

The next day the man returns to the chemist shop, drops his trousers to reveal a nasty looking shrivelled w.i.l.l.y, all black and blue and very sore.

"Can I have a tube of muscle rub?" he asks.

"What! To put on that?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh no, it's for my arms, the girl's didn't show up."

A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich and orders three pints of beer.

"That'll be 4.60," says the barman and the man hands over the money. Sometime later, another round is ordered and when it comes to paying, the cat says "You get these ostrich, I think it's your shout."

The three stay in the bar drinking all night but no matter how many rounds they have, the cat manages to get out of paying. As the bell for last orders rings, the barman says to the man, "How come you're drinking with a cat and an ostrich?"

"Well," says the man sadly, "not long ago, I was out walking on the beach when I found an old bottle. I took out the cork and a genie appeared who said he'd grant me one wish. So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight p.u.s.s.y!"

The timid, ineffectual man walked up to the beautiful young woman and said, "Excuse me, miss, would you mind accusing me of s.e.xual hara.s.sment in front of my fellow workers?"

A middle-aged man, going grey at the temples, dyes his hair and is so pleased with the results that he has to test his new- found youth on the general public. He sets off for town pa.s.sing a long queue of people at the bus stop. Going up to the first in the queue, he asks the woman if she would mind guessing his age.

She looks at him and replies, "Oh, I would say about 35."

"No, no," he answers, looking very pleased. "I'm actually 44."

He carries on to the supermarket and when he's done his shopping, he asks the girl on the till to guess his age.

"About 38," she says.

Away goes the man, very satisfied at the results and so pre- occupied with his vanity that he b.u.mps right into an old spinster.

"I'm so sorry, miss, I didn't see you."

"That's alright, young man," she replies.

"Young man! I do indeed feel young. Would you like to guess how old I am?" he boasts.

"I'll have to feel your w.i.l.l.y to tell you that," she says.

"Really!" he gasps. "Well okay."

So the spinster puts her hand down his trousers, feels around and says, "You're 44."

"Why! that's absolutely amazing," he says, "how can you tell?"

"I was in the bus queue earlier, when you went past."

A very vain man, who spent more time in the gym lifting weights than he did at work, decided he wanted a full-length mirror in the bathroom so he could admire himself. He went down to the local second-hand shop to see what was on offer.

"We've got plenty of mirrors, Sir," said the shopkeeper, "but if I was you, I wouldn't pick this one because it has strange powers that don't always do you any good." But the man's curiosity was aroused and he insisted on buying that particular mirror. The next morning he looked at himself in the new mirror and realised he was not as well endowed as he thought he was.

"Okay mirror," he said, "if you've really got special powers, give me a d.i.c.k that touches the floor." And the man's legs fell off.

All the members of the Battersby social club went by coach to Morecambe for a day's outing where they ate a lot, played the bingo, drank a lot, paddled in the sea, drank some more, went on the funfair and drank even more.

At the end of the evening, tired but happy, they got back on the bus for home. However, half-way there, the men were feeling the effects of the beer and they all needed the toilet badly.

"I'll have to stop in the lay-by," shouted the bus driver and having done so, all the men scrambled off and peed wherever they could, not bothered about who was watching them.

The next morning at breakfast, Julie turned to Jack and said, "You men have such disgusting habits. Mind you, ours was the best" and she smiled contentedly.