Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 40

Two old ex-service men were boasting about their past conquests.

"When I was in the army, I had hundreds of girls, wherever I was stationed. We soldiers were real men."

"Rubbish," replied the Admiral. "I bet I slept with far more women than you. Girls like sailors."

"Okay, okay, when did you last sleep with a woman?"

demanded the soldier.

"About 1958," replied the Admiral.

"You see! You call that being a ladies' man?", said the soldier.

The Admiral looked at his watch and said scornfully, "Well, it's only 22.10 now."

CHAPTER 7.

LATE IN THE DAY.

Johnny looks at death in a philosophical way.

He first came to realise his own mortality after having a serious tonsils operation in hospital. A nurse had given him a bed bath and he found himself going stiff. Johnny had to face up to it - death ran in the family. His great, great grandfather was hanged (in Exeter Gaol) for sheep stealing where his famous last words were "can you put the rope round my waist, I've got a boil on my neck?" His great grandfather was a famous pianist who worked on the t.i.tanic and went down very well. His own grandfather had an untimely death when he drank a bottle of wood varnish by mistake - a horrible end but a lovely finis.h.!.+

AGE CATCHES UP.

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in the garden when the little boy said, "Grandpa, grandpa, see that little worm over there. I bet I can put him back into his hole."

Grandpa accepted the bet and they agreed on 5.

"You'll never be able to do it, lad, the worm is too limp to be pushed back."

The little boy disappeared inside and came back with a can of hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm until it became as stiff as a board and then quite easily stuck it back in the hole.

"See, Grandpa, I win my bet."

Grandpa handed over 5 and said, "I'm just popping into the house, I'll be with you in a little while."

Sure enough, 10 minutes later he reappeared and handed the boy another 5.

"But Grandpa, you've already paid me," said the boy.

"Ah yes," smiled Grandpa, "but this is from your Grandma."

What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?

Age.

When do you realise you're getting old?

When you have dry dreams and wet farts.

A young journalist was asked to go and interview a celebrated old colonel who had moved into the area. Now the old colonel's reputation for bravery was well doc.u.mented and the journalist decided to try and get a different angle on the interview. After chatting for about 20 minutes he then asked the colonel if there had been any time when he was really frightened.

The colonel thought for a moment and then replied, "There was a time when we were deep in the jungle, on the track of a bunch of renegades, when suddenly a lion jumped out at me and roared 'Aaarrgh'. b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, I s.h.i.+t myself."

The journalist was thrilled with the story.

"When was that?" he asked. "When did that happen?"

"Just now when I went 'Aaarrgh,' " replied the colonel.

The social worker was doing the rounds at the local residential home and she stopped to talk to Bob who was 92.

After she'd helped him to cut up his food, she noticed a bowl of nuts on a small table next to him.

"I was given them as a present," he said, "but I don't want them, You're very welcome to have them."

Now the social worker was very fond of nuts so she nibbled away on them as she continued to chat to old Bob. As she was about to go she commented, "Thanks for the nuts, it's an odd present to give to someone with no teeth."

"Oh no," he replied. "When I was given them, they had chocolate on."

An old man decides he would like to join a nudist colony so he goes along to spend a day there, before joining up. He strips off, spends half an hour walking around and then, feeling tired, sits down to rest on a park bench. Moments later a beautiful young woman comes along and in no time at all he finds himself with a raging erection. On seeing this, she gets down on her knees and gives him a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b. "This is wonderful," he thinks to himself and immediately goes along to the office to sign up. The rest of the day pa.s.ses pleasantly and just before he goes home, he drops his cigarette. When he bends down to pick it up, a young man comes up behind him and does the business.

Immediately the poor old man returns to the office to cancel his subscription.

"I'm so sorry you've changed your mind," says the owner, "you seemed to like it so much."

"That's true," says the old man, "but at my age I only get excited once a month, and I'm always dropping my cigarette."

Two old ladies were on holiday in Greece and had landed up at one of the local museums. As they wandered around they came across a magnificent 12 foot statue of a greek G.o.d, naked apart from a fig leaf. One of the old ladies stood transfixed.

"Come on, Mabel," said the other. "What are you waiting for, Christmas?"

"No, just autumn," she replied.

An old man hobbled up to the ice cream counter and asked for a chocolate cornet.

"Crushed nuts?" asked the salesgirl.

"No, arthritis," he replied.

What's blue and f.u.c.ks grannies?

Hypothermia.

Did you hear about the old man who went to bed and reached across for his wife's hand?

She replied, "Not tonight, Bill, I'm too tired."

What are the signs of growing older?

At the beginning it's tri weekly, then 20 years later it's try weekly, but after 65 it's try weakly!

A very old man went to the doctors to find out if he was in good working order to enjoy an active s.e.x life.

"OK, I'll have to examine you then," said the doctor. "Drop your trousers."

"No need for that," replied the man, sticking out his index finger and his tongue.

What does an 80-year-old woman have between her knees that a 20-year-old doesn't?

Her nipples.

It was the day of the over 60s social club outing to Scarborough. After half an hour on the coach, Bert had to get up to go to the toilet. On the way back to his seat, the bus lurched and he was thrown onto the lap of an old woman, accidentally putting his hand on her huge breast as he tried to save himself.

"I'm so very sorry," he stammered, "but if your heart is as big as your breast, I'll see you in heaven."

She replied, "Oh no, dear, if your w.i.l.l.y's as hard as I think it is, I'll see you in Scarborough."

"It's no good, Doris," said her husband. "I know we've been married for 40 years, but I'm going to move in with Alice next door."

"But why, Alf? Haven't I always been a good wife, kept you happy?"

"Yes...but Alice gives me oral s.e.x."

"But I give you oral s.e.x as well!" exclaimed Doris.

"I know, but you don't have Parkinson's Disease."

An old married couple stopped at a roadside cafe to have a cup of tea before resuming their journey. Thirty minutes later, the man realised he'd left his gla.s.ses on the cafe table, so they had to turn round and drive back, the woman complaining all the way about his forgetfulness. They arrived back at the cafe and as he got out of the car she said, "While you're in there, you might as well get my umbrella as well."

Did you hear about the dirty old yachtsman?

He took a young girl out to sea and asked her to toss him off.

The lifeboat is still searching for the body.

Two old ladies are waiting at the bus stop when it begins to rain.

The first woman, Pam, is smoking, so she takes a condom out of her bag, snips the end off and puts it over her cigarette to stop it getting wet.

"That's a great idea," enthuses Mabel. "I must do the same, where do you get them from?"

"Just pop into the chemist's," Pam replies.

So when they arrive in town, Mabel heads for the chemist shop and asks for a packet of condoms.

"What size would that be, Madam?" enquires the a.s.sistant.

"I'm not sure," she replies, "One that fits over a camel, please."