Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 49

I'm Going.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife.

She said "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied "I'm going too".

"Why?" She asked. He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year".

Interpreting Dreams.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book ent.i.tled "The meaning of dreams"

It's All About Timing.

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she poured through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent raging erection Looking down at his Mr. Happy, the executive snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a b.i.t.c.h. Now I know why they call you a p.r.i.c.k!"

Just Got out of Prison.

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Just Wetting my Fingers.

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

After a few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty" again. Moments later, he resumed his reading.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked," Well, what the h.e.l.l were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

King of Comeback.

One morning she gently woke him by sitting across his chest.

He was the "King of Comebacks," and she thought she might just have the remark to shut his mouth.

She asked, "Do you want me to get OFF so that you can GO, or do you want me to get ON so that you can COME?"

He was speechless.

Late Night Phone Call.

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and says, "h.e.l.lo?.... How the heck would I know? - Am i the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Lottery Ticket.

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash. When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She replies, "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate."

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat. Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?" She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"

The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring. The husband says, "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?"

"Sure," he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready." He calls to his wife.

She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?"

To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"