Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 50

Making Love in the Dark.

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a d.i.l.d.o on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!"

The husband says "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

Male Emotions.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make such a wonderful crib like that for the low price we paid for it."

Milk Man.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife was.h.i.+ng the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left breast.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Missing Husband.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Missing Wife.

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Mistress.

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry and a vacation home in Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's his mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."

Morning Note.

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.

Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's 6:00 AM, you b.u.m! Get out of bed!"

Nasty ex-Husband.

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like f.u.c.king in used p.u.s.s.y?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

Not Looking Back.

A man returns home from work early and enters the house through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an ap.r.o.n on so the husband gets a big hard on, drops his pants and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is finished, he pulls out and at the same time hits her hard up the side of her head.

"What was that for?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you enjoy yourself. Why did you hit me?"

The husband looks at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it was!"

Not Pumping Hard Enough.