Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 52

Proper Perspective.

Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a bas.e.m.e.nt room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from pa.s.sing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours- Your Loving Daughter.

Protective Father.

A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud. She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has never had any kind of s.e.xual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill.

Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for tea - and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him.

The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless Denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly. Father is not impressed, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is not the chatty type and seems rather bored by the whole thing.

Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it's time for a bit of "man-to-man" stuff.

"Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter," says the father.

"Yeah, sort of," replies the boyfriend.

"Do you have a job?"

"Nope."

"Are you looking for one?"

"Nope.

At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of the young man and put him off marrying his daughter.

"Er, I don't know if you realise that my daughter has acute angina?" says the father.

"Yeah, lovely, isn't it, and her t.i.ts aren't too bad either."

Rain or Snow.

One day, a Russian couple are walking down the street, trying to find some black bread to go with there cabbage soup, when the husband says, "Did you just feel rain there?"

"No, I thought it felt more like snow", replied his wife and, as these things go in married life, it developed into an argument.

Just then, a communist party official walked by. "Lets ask Rudolph if it is officially raining or snowing today", suggested the woman.

So they asked. "Today it is officially raining", said the Rudolph, and walked away.

"I still thought it was snow", moaned the mans wife, to which he replied," Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

s.e.x Survey.

A s.e.x researcher called one of his partic.i.p.ants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.

"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"

"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"

s.e.xy Fas.h.i.+on Model Neighbor.

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very s.e.xy fas.h.i.+on model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so d.a.m.n long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

Shooting Birds.

There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including picking up women, which they referred to as "calling chickens". One day, the son decided to go overseas for study.

The father was very supportive. Before his son left, the father told the son, " We cannot call chicken" together for the next few years. However, if you need to call chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Birds' so that your mom will not suspect."

So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill from the son (shooting bird - $1000). Subsequently for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father could not tolerate any more, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper ones"

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It wrote: "Shooting Bird - $50, Rifle Repair - $2,000"

Sister Joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army."But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Small Breast.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her b.r.e.a.s.t.s are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your b.r.e.a.s.t.s to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your b.r.e.a.s.t.s for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my b.r.e.a.s.t.s everyday will make my b.r.e.a.s.t.s grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your a.s.s, didn't it?"