Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 53

Son hit the Lottery.

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. One day the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill, "and a d.a.m.n cheap one too!"

Son in Law.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the bas.e.m.e.nt. When he went downstairs, he found his Daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?", she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Sporting Chance.

A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife over to the closet and retrieved her husband's .44 caliber pistol.

Aiming the weapon at her husband's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es she shouted, "I'm a-gonna turn this bull into a steer, Chuck !"

"No no !" pleaded Chuck. "Not like this ! C'mon, Jodi, give me a sporting chance, darlin' !"

"All right, fair enough. I will. You can set 'em to swinging first."

The Dishes.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.

Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and n.o.body is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has s.e.x with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little fl.u.s.tered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

The Lazy Husband.

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the was.h.i.+ng machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having s.e.x with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.

She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

The Statue.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talc.u.m powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a gla.s.s of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and n.o.body offered me as much as a gla.s.s of water."

The Tattooed Bottom.

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a ma.s.sive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her b.u.t.t instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B" on each b.u.t.tock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the h.e.l.l is Bob?" the husband replies.

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge.

Three old ladies were sitting around playing bridge when one of them, Edna says," You know ladies, I'm having a real problem getting my husband interested s.e.xually."

So Mary pipes up and says, "Edna, listen, you know what I do? When my husband gets home from work, I strip him down and rub him all over with exotic oils. Works every time!"

So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary. Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get on my bed and pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in, INSTANT erection."

So Edna, after contemplating both idea, decides to go with Dorothy's suggestion.