Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 67

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pa.s.s and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Dental Emergency.

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher."

To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

Doctor Check Up.

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her s.h.i.+rt and bra and he starts rubbing her breast. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."

Finally, he tells her to takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having s.e.x with her.

He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."

Doctor's Receptionist.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my d.i.c.k." He replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." He said.

"We do not use language like that here." She said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."

The man shrugged his shoulders, walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear." He stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't p.i.s.s out of it." The man replied.

During her Annual Check Up.

During her annual check-up, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Elderly Woman.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Elephant p.e.n.i.s.

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my p.e.n.i.s erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your p.e.n.i.s are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your p.e.n.i.s."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having s.e.x again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His p.e.n.i.s immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my a.s.s."

Environmentalism.

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Expectant Fathers.