Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 69

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his s.h.i.+rt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes, how did you figure that out ?'

The girl says: "Easy you keep was.h.i.+ng your hands"

One thing led to another. They make love and after they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist how did you figure that out??'

The girl says: "Easy I didn't feel a thing."

Having a Bad Knee.

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have s.e.x doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have s.e.x, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.

Head Cure.

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen", says the doc "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s.e.x...and almost always the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help".

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Headache Remedy.

The two housewives were drinking coffee together.

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache.

Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my b.r.e.a.s.t.s while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest.

In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Health Plan.

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital. She walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating.

The intern asks the doctor, "Why is that man doing such a thing in the open?"

The doctor replied, "Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm build up quickly in his body. He has to jack off constantly or he will explode."

The intern says, "Oh, I see."

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man lying on a stretcher getting a blow-job from a nurse.

This time she asks the doctor, "What's with that?"

The doctor replies, "Same condition, better health care plan."

Hearing Aids.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Heart Attack.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage ... he had a heart attack.

The doctor advised him to cut out s.e.x to prolong his life.

He went home, and he and his wife discussed the matter at length, and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs, to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without s.e.x wasn't worth living for, and so he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied. "I was coming down to kill you."

Incredibly Dumb.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway complaining about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my G.o.d!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to p.r.i.c.k Mr. Jenkins boil!"

Keep Off the Gra.s.s.