Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 71

A man was rus.h.i.+ng his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. He was so nervous and disoriented, he pulled up to the emergency room and rear- ended an ambulance! Though a very minor b.u.mp, he actually pa.s.sed out from the stress!

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother (a relentless world- cla.s.s practical joker) sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, 'Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you.'

The husband's heart jumped up into to his throat, thinking, 'Oh no, what has he done now?' He nervously asked his brother, 'W-w-well, what did you name them?'

The brother replied, 'I named the little girl Denise.'

'Really?!? Oh! Well, that's a very pretty name!' the husband said, his relief showing as he sat up. 'And what did you name my son?'

'Denephew.'

New Diet.

This woman has tried every way she can think of to lose weight and nothing has worked, so finally she overcomes her embarra.s.sment and asks her doctor for help.

"I may have the solution", says the doctor. "It's a new diet, just approved--for two weeks you can have any food you want but instead of eating it, you must take it rectally." He a.s.sures the woman that she can survive this treatment and that she should lose all her extra weight doing it. He also tells her to come in for a checkup at the one-week mark.

She shows up a week later and the doctor, after examining her, says "The diet is working, and I see no complications--but I will have to refer you to a specialist for your leg problem."

"What leg problem, Doctor?", she asks.

"Well, I noticed you were walking abnormally..."

"Oh that...that's just my bubble gum..."

Only Night Home.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Sat.u.r.day," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Orange p.e.n.i.s.

A man bursts into the doctor's office screaming "Doctor, doctor, my p.e.n.i.s-it's bright orange. I have no idea what's wrong!"

The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and sure enough the man's manhood is bright orange, almost fluorescent. He says "put your pants back on while I go look through my books"

The doctor comes back after a while and tells the man that he has never seen any thing like it in his life, and he can't seem to find it in his books. "What do you do for a living?" asks the doctor.

"I'm a lawyer." Replies the man.

"Well, does it hurt?" the doctor asks.

"No I can't feel a thing"

"Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"

"Nope, I don't have time for that stuff being a lawyer."

"You must have some kind of s.e.x." says the doctor.

"No, I don't have time! Every day I go to work, I come home, grab a bag of cheetos, and watch a p.o.r.no flick."

Pain in First Pregnancy.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Polish Girl at a Gynecologist.

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.

The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her v.a.g.i.n.a he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n.

A man was having problems with premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife c.r.a.pped on my face, bit 3 inches off my p.e.n.i.s and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Rain Boots.

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"