Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 78

KGB.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"h.e.l.lo?

"h.e.l.lo, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"h.e.l.lo, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Light House.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval s.h.i.+p with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy s.h.i.+p. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST s.h.i.+P IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS s.h.i.+P.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

MS-Tech in the Army.

There was a Microsoft Tech Support guy who joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol. He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target. The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and informed him of this.

The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger.

'Well,' he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun all right. It must be a problem on your end.'

New Airbase.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "d.a.m.n it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

No Jews.

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.

"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

One Gun Salute.

When the very curvaceous female mids.h.i.+pman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

Police Dog.

A moron takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.

After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?"

The moron responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"

"Well she's in heat," says the cop."

"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."

"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."

"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.

"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."