Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 88

How in the h.e.l.l am I supposed to know what it's called!

Valentine's Card II.

One of my neighbors sure learned a lesson last year on Valentine's Day. He gave this card to his wife extolling her virtues, beauty,and charm; said how lucky he was to have her; that he didn't deserve such a good woman.

Seems the more she thought about it, the more she agreed with him.

She left him before the end of the month.

Valentine's Surprised.

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.

Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.

I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.

I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address, And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express, The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel, And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be, If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine, And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail, A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me, I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great antic.i.p.ation, I removed the envelope, And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart, And in the center, someone drew, a b.l.o.o.d.y piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside, And when I started reading it, I d.a.m.n near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pa.s.s, My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine, My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't s.h.i.+ne.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do, I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn, My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

Wedding Bribe.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom quietly slipped the pastor a $100 bill.

"Reverend," he whispered, "I'd be mighty obliged if you'd just happen to forget the part where I promise to love, honour, obey and be faithful to my wife forever."

The time came for the groom's vows during the actual wedding service.

The pastor looked the young man in the eye, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally, before G.o.d and your lovely wife, that you will never so much as look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

As a hymn was being sung, the furious groom leaned toward the priest. "I thought we had a deal," he hissed.

The pastor gently pressed the $100 bill into the young man's palm and whispered, "She made me a much better offer."

Wedding Night.

On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance."

Wedding Night Prankers.

The wedding date was all set and the groom's three pals --a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist-- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw most of the way through the slats of their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter: Dear friends, We did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear before G.o.d Almighty, I am going to hunt down and kill whoever put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

Bear with me.

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have s.e.x."

Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough s.e.x."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly, and shot it. He felt sweet revenge. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Chased by the Bear.

Once there were these two backpackers who see a bear begin to charge them so one backpacker takes off his hiking boots and puts on running shoes.

His companion says, "you'll never outrun the bear, why are you putting those on?"

The guy with the running shoes replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."