Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 107

Tattoo on p.e.n.i.s.

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says to the tattoo artist, "Do you tattoo p.e.n.i.ses?"

The tattoo artist looks confused and says, "It's a pretty difficult thing and very painful, but if you really want one you need to justify the reason."

The man looks at the tattoo artist and says, "I want a tattoo of a One Hundred dollar bill on my p.e.n.i.s. I have three good reasons for this, too."

The tattoo artist isn't convinced and asks the man for his reasons.

The man replies, "First, I like to handle all of my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. Third, and most importantly, when my wife asks me for a hundred bucks to blow on shopping, I can tell her she can blow a hundred bucks right here at home!"

Tax Compliance Audit.

A tax official has come to a rural synagogue do to a tax compliance audit. The rabbi accompanies him to the synagogue. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circ.u.mcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

The Barracks Door is Open.

Mr. Larson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Larson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

The Great Oasis.

Three men were walking in a desert, tired, hungry and thirsty they came upon an oasis with a great castle. Upon entering the castle the men found that there were no men at the castle, only countless beautiful women.

For about a week the three men enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the king of the castle returned with his army and upon paying a visit to his harem he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the wall.

The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his acts according to his chosen occupation.

He walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation, the man replied that he was a fireman. The king then said to his guard, "Burn off his p.e.n.i.s."

This done the king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your occupation?"

Hesitating the man stated, "I'm a police officer."

At this the king ordered the guard, "Shoot off his p.e.n.i.s."

With this done, he proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation." With a smile on his face the man replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

The Job Interview.

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our b.a.l.l.s trying to decide what to do first."

The Retired Engineer.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.

Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Theologian Versus the Astronomer.

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

Three Engineers in a Car.

There are three engineers in a car. a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car, on the way suddenly breaks down.

The mechanical engineer gets down and examines the car thoroughly for about 20 minutes. "Surely, the problem is in the engine.", he concludes.

The electrical engineer gets down and examines the car for about half an hour and victoriously says; "definitely there is a battery problem, we have to recharge the battery."