Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 109

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguis.h.i.+ng feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

Western Reporter in Armenia.

A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life. The old man says, "Well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the donkey, it was a lot of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: "Well, one time I was lost........"

What's in a Name.

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

"p.e.n.i.s van Lesibian," the man replied proudly.

"Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that."

"Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage."

"Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."

The young man left the theater dejectedly.

A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

"Do you remember me," asked the young man?

"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to."

"Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since."

"I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?"

"d.i.c.k van d.y.k.e."

Who's Job is it?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and n.o.body. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but n.o.body did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but n.o.body realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when n.o.body did what Anybody could have done.

Work Discrimination.

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Work vs Prison.

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour.

At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you're just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are s.a.d.i.s.tic wardens.

At work, we have managers.

Young Ensign.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the s.h.i.+p under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the s.h.i.+p had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Chicken Farmer.