Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 111

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm looking' for the meanest, roughest and toughest wh.o.r.e in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the wh.o.r.e and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking' for the meanest, roughest and toughest wh.o.r.e in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the wh.o.r.e, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Mistook a Salvation Army.

There was this hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful victim of circ.u.mstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Jodi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But If it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Paid For.

A guy goes to a house of prost.i.tution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

Rent for Apartment.

A PROSPEROUS businessman propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "RENT FOR APARTMENT"

On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note: Dear Madam: Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount we have agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression: 1. it had never been occupied.

2. it had never been occupied 3. it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.

Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note: Dear Sir!

I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture to fill it in.

Rise Caesar!

A rather bookish young man goes into a wh.o.r.ehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"

And his c.o.c.k rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Sign on Top of their Car.

Two prost.i.tutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSt.i.tUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car pa.s.sed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

Sisters of Mercy.

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSt.i.tUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSt.i.tUTION 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSt.i.tUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding pa.s.sages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy

Thunder, Lightning.

A brothel in the outback is going about its daily business, when the front door is kicked down by a huge cattle man armed with a giant stockwhip. He cracks the whip, and shouts out, "Thunder, Lightning !! I want a woman !!"

The madam of the house, who is a seasoned professional, says in an unperturbed manner, "Upstairs, second door on the left, leave $ 50.00 here." Which he does.

Upon entering the second door on the left, he sees the woman of questionable virtue lying in a voluptuous manner upon an ornate bed. She rises slowly, and begins to sashay her way across the room. She doesn't get far. The big cattle man pushes her down on the bed, cracks his giant stockwhip, taking off one of her earrings, and exclaims in a loud voice, "Thunder! I want a woman !!"

The woman is stunned by the sudden turn of events. Before she can say anything, he turns to the light switch flicking it up and down. "Lightning !!" he cries, then he blasts off the other earring of the woman with a well placed crack of the whip. "Thunder!! I want a woman!!!"

The woman is nearly deaf, and tries to compose herself. Suddenly the cattleman turns on the ceiling fan, and cries " Wind !!!" Ticky, ticky, ticky goes the light switch. "Lightning" cries the cattleman, and with his stockwhip, blasts off some of her garments. "Thunder ...I want a woman."

He switches the fan onto a higher setting, and cries, "Storm!!!" He plays with the light switch again screaming, "Lightning!" and with several more cracks of the old bull whip deftly removes her remaining outer garments. Her flimsy underwear struggles to contain bulging female bits.

The cattleman is now getting quite worked up. He turns the fan on to full, screaming "Tempest!!" and drops his trousers and proceeds to urinate copiously all over the hapless woman. "Torrential Rain!!!" screams the cattleman, and once again plays with the light switch. "Lightning" screams the cattle man, and with his stockwhip blasts her bra.s.siere down the middle. Two well formed b.r.e.a.s.t.s lunge out. "Thunder!!...I WANT A WOMAN!"

The woman of questionable virtue is now very aroused by all this and she cries out, "Go on then, you big brute, take me !!"

And he says, "What? In this weather??"